Dwegsters' reunion + People Talking Behind My Back

It's getting quite late for tonight because I still have classes tomorrow, but today was such a day that I need to post here. I only had four hours of sleep because I suddenly woke up at 4 am and felt pretty uncomfortable with my napkin (it's my red week, hehe) and I was feeling kind of lazy again to continue my day's plans and started to think of reasons to say to Cj because I was feeling lazy to go to their church and I felt kind of anxious because this will be the first time after 10 months that I'm going to see my best friend and I am not a hugger so I don't know how to meet her properly and, to be honest, I don't really felt like we were so far away from each other. It just felt like a very long semester break and that we are all getting our lazy bums in the bed all day long. We don't really have a high maintenance friendship. I also cannot recover from my choirmates' reactions to my solo in ETS, especially my crush's, because I didn't expect it was that good. All of those things were piling up in my head and I couldn't get back to sleep. I was just lying there for two hours with my eyes closed and my brain getting drowned from thoughts.

I was on time. I guess I have changed some things in myself after all those months. Weird fact is that I didn't take a bath before leaving the house just because I waited for Cj's reply until 6 am and I didn't feel like rushing myself so I just washed my face and brushed my teeth and put on a light brown turtle-neck shirt and a denim skirt. Before I left, Cj told me that she's gonna be late a little bit, and that 'a little bit' turned into a 2-hour late. Good thing I'm not really bad at waiting. I was there humming and listening to my voice recorded and trying 7/11's charging station and taking blunt pictures of myself. I also wish she would get later than ever so that I will not get obliged to go to their church (this is so bad to admit!!!)(I'm just not feeling comfortable because it's been long since I last went there and... I just don't feel it, you know...) and that we would just go to see the other friends. When I was about to check if I have Cj's number, she tapped my shoulder and there they were. I didn't get to hug her even though I already planned it so much in my head before she comes. Cj was very persistent to go to the church and I didn't want her to feel like I'm just giving reasons so I just made myself want to go to the church.

The church service was fine. Although I never felt welcome (don't get me wrong, they're incredibly welcoming) even before, I just went with the flow. The topic was about how you feel like nobody cares, and we should always remember that God is very much in love with us and that He will always care. I tried to think if I ever felt like nobody cares, but I know aside from Him, my mom cares for me. My parents do. I can never say that nobody cares because God's love is indeed overflowing.

I was kind of giddy because Cj's churchmate, R, is so cute. But I was not in the mood for that. I did not take a bath. I should not flirt.

So the whole reunion with dwegsters is fun. This is a real 'dwegsters united' day. I noticed that I felt genuinely happy when we got completely together today. I was really in the mood to laugh out loud, to be lame, to be serious but not so serious, to speak what's on my mind without thinking, to be just as loud as I can be. Maybe that is what friends are for - to remind you all the things you have lost, to complete you.

A bit of a problem was that I felt awkwardly ugly in our group pictures. I felt like I'm the only one who has real skin problems, whose stress shows exactly in the face, who wears the shortest bottom wear with the hairiest legs. I felt like it definitely showed in the pictures that I didn't take a bath, even though I wore a good pair of clothes (I think?). But I was still happy. I did not really dwell on negativity. I laughed at negative things. It's pretty unusual.

After parting ways with my super friends, I went straight home and took a bath and prepared for tonight's rehearsal. I didn't get to sleep. I didn't even get to taste the spaghetti mom cooked today. There was a little time left. While half-running to the jeepney stop, I was taking pictures of myself because... I don't know (am I that vain?). It's been a habit of me to take the most random pictures of myself and just look at it when I'm bored. I came to the rehearsal room within the graceful 15-minute period.

When I went inside, I was a bit shocked because they noticed me so much. Ate Izza told me right away this (exactly this!): "Ayan na si Chloe, ang galing mo talaga Chloe". I found it odd because, well, wow, she still hasn't recovered from it. My solo wasn't as good as a professional soprano that would make them amazed for days. And then Kuya Donald was complimenting my hair. And I just sat at my place, checking what Facebook has saved for me offline. I was slightly laughing by myself because I saw my dope pictures below the status bar and I was nearly clicking on it, and I found it funny because imagine if I had clicked it and there's no turning back and everyone in the world would see how shitty I am in real life. And the shocking part is that I didn't know that Ju was looking at me that time and he and Ate Jiselle were already talking about me. I was so focused on my phone and I heard Kuya Ju saying "May pagngiti sa phone, di nya naririnig, may katext", and Ate Jiselle went giddy as fuck. She was like "Sino yang katext mo? May boyfriend ka na? Omg excited na ko magkaboyfriend si Chloe blah blah", and everyone including Ju was staring at me. I was the center of the attention and they're all intrigued. Actually, it's been a while since this boyfriend issue has started. They're very curious why "I am blooming up for the past couple of months". First, I am shocked because they're very interested in me. Second, Ju has noticed me in an unexpected way. Third, Ju is interested whether I have a boyfriend or a suitor right now. Fourth, I'm getting near at believing that I'm really blooming up. Okay, sorry.

I guess I did well again in tonight's rehearsal. Sir is being on my side against sopranos. He said he wants the spotlight on me and even got a little hysterical (lol the term) because some sopranos were sustaining on my solo part. I got a little bit pressured because my gahd, I'm going to have a little acapella time where no one in the choir aside from me will sing. I was concerned with my skills than with sir's kind of flattering moment because I don't want to just take all the praise and mess up in the end (later on, Nricho told me that he was focused on me during that time and he has read a tension from me to sir)(totally irrelevant). Aside from that, I just really feel that I'm improving a lot. Sir is just unusually kind to me. It felt like he's so in my side today. I just thought that maybe I'm improving that's why I'm being so appreciated by him.

The highlight of this story is this: when we (the vienna kids + nricho) were walking from the rehearsal place to the highway, we've been talking a lot about our struggles from the choir and all the pain we've been dealing from this. It's just so nice that we, the vienna kids who were there for each other after dealing with the same experience, are still together up until now. It's so nice that even when you're feeling the pain, you know there are three others who feel it with you. That you are not really alone with the madness and the unpleasant toxic. After that, we talked about Nricho's 'tension reading' and I just blurted something like "Alam mo, hindi ko talaga kayang itago yung nararamdaman ko (like I can't pretend to feel something that I don't feel". Ate Geneve heard it from behind and she told me "CHLOE NGAYON KO LANG NAALALA PINAGUUSAPAN KA NILA". And I was as hysterical as her because I have sensed it too. She told me that Ate Izza asked her in the tricycle if I have a problem because she noticed that lately I was so quiet. I am 100% sure that they're talking about me behind my back and that Sir and Kuya Ju is with them.

I am so curious how the hell did they think of that, and who started this story, and why do they even care (well because according to today's topic, it's not true that nobody cares!)(lol ok). Do they really think I'm sad or somewhat depressed? Hahaha, because the truth is, I barely get depressed. I'm a negative thinker but I don't always make sadness a big deal in my life. I'm not also into love at the moment. Well, I enjoy having a crush on my gay choirmate because I still find him so likable, but I'm not in the mood to flirt. Plus, I don't really need their help to save me because I can save myself. But I appreciate that they're concerned... if ever they truly are.

It was such a long day.

11:21pm. One week before v-day.

I think he thinks that I love him that much that he's the reason why I sing. Actually, I'm just so uninspired. He kept on making side comments when in fact, he doesn't understand us. I hate it when people make fun of other people's weaknesses. I understand that he's just very concerned... well... I just hate him sometimes, that's why.

It's not a great day for me.

I left the house this noon, feeling quite giddy because I feel pretty as fuck. I curled my hair and put on some makeup and wore a denim skirt and my color scheme feels very boho (maybe bc of my bag?). I even felt kind of scared because it might become 'too pretty' for others, that it might become OA because we were only going to Manila for a performance. But at the back of my head, I say "fuck it, I'm going to be pretty whenever I feel like it."

When I went to the meeting place, they immediately noticed my curled hair. Someone told me "Ha? Anong meron?" and repeated her surprise afterward, trying to sound like it's not appropriate for me to make up my appearance. Someone just replied to her jokingly, "Syempre Rizal Park 'yun, baka madaming pogi.". Not to kill the joy but when you really think about it, people make it a reason to make yourself pretty for the boys to notice you. In reality, I make it a habit of leaving the house feeling pretty just to satisfy myself; just to pass by a mirror and see my appearance satisfyingly beautiful; just so I can finally appreciate myself.

During the rehearsal of Listen, the man beside me a.k.a. my crush kept on looking at me while singing. It's not a good sign because that only means that I am doing something distracting or I am doing dissatisfyingly. After that, he called everyone's attention by saying that he noticed some people singing stiffly/unenergetically. Of course, I'm one of them. All of my insecurities flushed in and instead of rebuilding my confidence, I felt my confidence meter sunk down. The pressure of being an old member and still not being good enough is really suffocating. Ever since my first concert last August 2014, it's been my biggest insecurity that I can't project properly on stage. I've been working on it for a long time but I'm still not making it. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be good enough as a performer. But sometimes I feel like it's just this: I'm not comfortable on singing with my choirmates. The real thing is, I have lost myself so much since I started singing with them. I forgot how to take things lightly, to laugh genuinely even by the simple things, to be comfortable in talking with someone eye to eye, to not be conscious of almost everything. I hate why people (them, actually) are very judgemental. I hate myself too, for even caring about what they might say about me.

I didn't want to laugh even when I was supposed to laugh, just because I don't like them. In the choir, the person that I dislike the most is Ate Joy. It is so irritating that I always end up doing things with her: being buddies on most houses on tour, having the same circle of friends, singing the same parts in the choir, etc. I just realized that I shouldn't be offended when someone admits that they don't like me because really, there are persons that you dislike no matter how hard they try. She always makes these medley jokes that annoys me (only when it comes from her), because whenever she makes a punchline, she looks at everyone and laughs and expects that we would laugh at her brilliant joke. It's not even funny. I mean, I sometimes laugh at how people deliver the joke but not the joke itself. But in Ate Joy's case, I don't laugh at all.

I was really not in the mood because 1) the pressure of good projection 2) my unpolished makeup face 3) my crush and his boyfriend are beside me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to add another layer of makeup to my oily skin because I knew I would just look very crinkled. I didn't want to do anything. There was nothing I could do.

My crush, on the other hand, was very active today. He kept on making good jokes (but in an annoying way) and kept on dancing funnily and kept on being gay. Sir, all throughout the rehearsal, kept on reminding us to smile exaggeratedly and move. I cannot move. If there's a word of being oppositely body smart, then that's what I would describe myself. They were 'joined forces' on reminding us those stuff as if we have no passion in singing. My crush even said "Hindi 'nyo ba gusto yung ginagawa nyo? *laughs".

I ask myself because I know he's asking me at the back of his mind. Do I like what I'm doing? Not so much, but not so little. I'm just so uninspired. I don't feel like I get what I give. I don't feel like my efforts pay off. I don't feel like a superstar. I don't feel improvements. I feel so stuck. I like it somehow but I don't like how I do it. Basically.

The intriguing part that he added was this: "Guys, Feb 14 na. Isipin nyo na lang... para ito sa mga umiibig.". When I heard it, I was 93% that he's pertaining to my feelings for him. I didn't feel anything even when he's giving 'the moves', like he was saying that if I don't like what I'm doing, I should at least do it for him. How about no? Char Crush don't use my unrequited feelings for this kind of shit

Ate Joy reacted again, striking the fact that she's single. I found it annoying because I don't really care if you're single or not. It just sounds to me that you're declaring your single-ness because it's a big deal or you're making it obvious that you are available.

But actually, I just hate her hehe.

I didn't laugh. She even held Ate Elaine's hand to mean like "sama sama tayong single". I just looked at her and looked away. My crush laughed and reenacted my reaction. That was a bit funny (haha) because I thought he wouldn't notice.

He even sat beside me while answering the survey. Like, literally beside me, with his shoulders kind of brushing against mine (taray). He wrote quite long, even when he's not obliged to because he's a performer. I looked at his paper while he was writing and I realized that he's already 24. I kind of forgot. I just knew that he's around 23-25. We have an eight-year gap.

I feel so sleepy.

That was just it.

Bottomline: I'm just full of insecurities. Chloe, someday you will be good enough, don't worry.

The main part of my voice that our conductor tells me to improve is my nasal sound. I have watched lots of sopranos in youtube for hopes that I would sound like them eventually, tried my favorite Bianca's solo lines in front of our electric fan (just to imitate the vibrating sound), tried lots of nasal warm ups, sang (sometimes annoyingly) in the bathroom - yet I still couldn't make it. Today, my classmate from history shared a story about how singers get beauty surgeries that make difference on their voice ranges. That lead me to a conclusion that (maybe) the main reason that I lack nasal sound is because I don't have a tall nose. I thought of my choir mates and they all have good noses... so maybe that is it.

I greeted morning today with a giddy feeling because he acknowledged my late design on our group chat. He even included a clapping emoticon and a heart. A heart!!! I laughed so much in the inside with bits of kilig and kayabangan because girl, I did not see that coming. My rage towards him last Sunday instantly have loosen up and was replaced with lovely butterflies. So spoiling!

I am now listening to this playlist to match my mood after finding my ideal ig feed (and girl, to be honest).  She feels so damn indie and her photos are way too perfect for me. I browsed at her feed for like half an hour and I couldn't feel sadder that I am not her. I've never felt this ordinary before. I felt the crave of studying at Manila, visiting museums and outrageous amusement parks with friends, discovering good hangout places and coffee shops and fancy restaurants, taking lots of instagram-worthy portraits, reading good books, watching theater plays, going to lots of events and experience life in a wilder way.

I am okay right now. In fact, I'm so satisfied with my performance in school because I mostly get the highest scores so far. But whenever my friends get giddy with my so called 'intelligence', I feel nothing. I don't get the good mayabang feels, I don't even enjoy it too much. The secret is that I feel like I am not really intelligent. It's just that the level of competence in my classes is low. If you put me in a bigger university with people studying in straight private schools and who are very fond of speaking in english and make bida bida's in front of a crowd, then no one would even notice that I have brains inside my skull. I get scared that I'm not struggling right now, while my former classmates who study in Manila and in good universities are shedding tears because of their packed up schedule. I'm so free. I don't even feel like I'm studying. I don't know. My school is not lacking in terms of class hours, because my professors are diligently teaching everyday. I have my Ma'am Hijara and Sir Casas (my favorite professors) who are very professional and inspiring at the same time. I know I'm feeling like this because my schedule is indeed stress-free and my subjects are only six and my school is just 10 minutes away - but I am not 100% good about it because I am not struggling. There are lots of lessons to learn when you're sweating and cursing because of traffic; when you're in the midst of freedom and certainty, when you're meeting hundreds of faces in a day, when you're hopping in and out of numerous buses and jeepneys, when you're really seeing the world as an individual.

I don't know what to do with my life, to be honest.

For one thing, I have been stressing my self with my appearance lately. I somehow got tired of dressing up because I have thought that no matter how effort-ful I dress, I wouldn't look good enough because I really don't look good enough (oh my, self esteem). I still put face powder even when I get oily easily and it only makes me feel greasier and make my eyebrows look thicker even when I'm an amateur and put lipstick even when I look overdone sometimes. I look in the mirror and feel like no make up can make me more beautiful in their eyes; like my impurities are so big that no make up is strong enough to hide it. I somehow think that make up only makes me look more mature (well I look mature already when I'm make-up free) but not wearing make up makes me look more haggard.

I. Do. Not. Know.

I can totally feel that I have lost my sense of humor somewhere, that I have to strive hard to crack a joke in a day. Maybe because I have stuck myself into my silence for quite so long and my loud self has already forgotten itself. I've been thinking that maybe I'm the only girl in the whole world who has no sense of humor. That's a little exaggerated but yes, I have thought of it several times.

My level of awkwardness is really high.

I told my closest friend in college that I get turned off by people who gets bored easily, just because I'm not the type who gets bored easily. I told her that because some people told me that they dislike intelligent people because they're boring. I'm a bit confident that they're not pertaining to me that time because, wow, that would be so rude of them to tell me that I'm boring and they're not enjoying my presence (hehe, assuming that I'm intelligent). I was awkwardly explaining to her and gave her examples like when you're with someone and you get bored of them because she can't do extravagant things with you and you'll choose someone over her. It was hard to tell her that because I might sound like someone is getting bored with me because I am indeed boring to be with and that I'm forcing her not to get bored with me because I will get turned off by her when she does that.

The fact is, I'm not going to joke around with you all the time because technically all my joking neurons are not properly working. I'm going to feed you with conversations that somehow sound boring but when you get yourself into it, you'll enjoy it. (friends, don't leave me)(hehe)

I am now very inactive at my tumblr blog.

It's the second day of February.