Sorry bessy.

Wala si Cj. Isang linggo. Pumunta sila sa Singapore para magpamedical. Dapat kahapon umuwi na sya. Pero  nadelay yung dependent pass ng ate nya kaya kailangan pa nilang magextend. Sa loob ng isang linggong wala sya, maraming nangyari. At ako eto, araw araw na gumagawa ng nobela para maging updated sya sa mga nangyayari sa araw-araw. Paulit ulit kong sinasabi ang  I miss you, ingat kayo dyan kasi totoo namang namimiss ko na yung presensya nya. Sa bawat nobelang sinasabi ko sa kanya, tatlong pangungusap lang ang palagi kong natatanggap mula sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Miss nya na daw ako pati ang oohbratz. Pero hindi sya nagpopost sa mga wall namin. Kami pa ang nagchachat sa kanya. Kung hindi kami magoonline, wala. Walang connection.
Naiinis ako kay Jessica, isa pang member ng oohbratz. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Eto ata yung nafifeel ni Cj nung naging close kami ni Cheska. Palagi na lang silang magkasama. Nakikibest friend itong pesteng Jessica na to. At dahil sa ayaw ko kay Jessica, sumasama ako sa ibang member ng oohbratz. Unti unti kaming nagkakalayo ni Cj.
May mga times na gusto ko, ako lang namimiss ni Cj. Walang malisya dito, best friend ko lang kasi talaga si Cj. Matagal na, simula pa nung grade 3. Pero hindi kami madalas nagkakasama dahil sa.. ewan ko. Para bang unti-unti na lang kaming nagkakahiwalay dahil sa hindi malamang dahilan.
Namimiss na kita Cj. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba talagang nangyayari. Unti unti ka na ding nagbabago.

So bali nakilala ko si Justin sa seminar. Una non, ang tagal ibigay sakin nung shape ko. Pentagon pala kami. Wala akong kagroup sa mga 2nd year. Shet lang ibig sabihin non. (Wait teka may nagta-tao po.)
So ayon nga. Sabi na nga ba. Ibang year yung mga ka-team namin kasi iba iba kami ng shape ng mga kaibigan ko. Wala akong kaclose sa ibang year kaya mukha akong tanga don. Bale naghahanap kami ni Spencer sa ibang year ng mga kaparehas naming shape. Then I saw Justin. Yee! De, hindi ko talaga alam pangalan nya non. Nakita ko lang sya tapos nagwapuhan ako. Unang pumasok sa isip ko, "Shocks sana hindi ko kateam yan. Ayoko ng may pogi sa team namin kasi wala lang hahaha taena.". Pero pentagon din sya, it means kateam ko sya. Gulo ko ba? HAHAHAHAHA. Grade 7 sila, tapos feel na feel kong makiclose kasi mas matanda ako. HAHAHA. Okay landita. Next.
Race yon. Unang step, paunahan makahanap ng mga kateam tapos kelangan sama sama kayo pumunta sa garden. Bale hahanapin nyo dun yung envelope nyo, tapos may puzzle don, tapos bubuuin nyo, tapos pupunta kayo canteen, tapos maghahawak hawak kamay kayo, tapos pupunta kayo sa AVR nang parang mga ulol na nagsisigaw sigaw ng pangalan ng team nyo.
So yun nga. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang onti naming magkakateam. Bagal kasi dumating nung mga fourth year. Medyo iritang irita na ako kasi ang bagal nila tapos ayaw pa nila mamansin eh kami nga itong natataranta na kasi yung ibang team magkakasama na, kami hindi pa, eh pabilisan yon. Nu kaya yon diba. So kami yung huling nakapunta sa garden para hanapin yung envelope namin, obviously. Tawa lang ng tawa  yung ibang grade 7 kasi ang weak daw namin. Yung mga 4th year, OA maghanap. Naiiyak na daw yung isa kasi di daw nya mahanap. Taena nya kamo. Haha dyok. Tapos ako, tawa din ng tawa kasi ang korni nung race, tapos di ko din mahanap. Pinahanap namin kay Sir Rodriguez kasi walang kwenta yung mentor namin, si Sir Poli. HAHAHAHA. Tae. Then yun, isang hanapan lang ni Sir nakita nya na agad. Tae. Nasa taas ng puno. ANONG KLASE YON.
Then binuo namin yung puzzle. Bale kami lang tatlo nung mga 4th year yung may effort tapos yung iba naming kateam nanonood lang. Wow diba. Team mapagmahal kami. Naks.
Then yun, pumunta kami ng canteen. Walangkwenta kasi ayaw makipaghawak kamay nung mga lalaking grade 7. Kasama na don si Justin. Sayang nga si Edward katabi ko non eh -_- Sayang tuloy moment. HAHAHA. Tapos ako tawa lang ako ng tawa kasi ang corny corny talaga. Para bang ginagago na lang kami ng SG kasi sa dami dami ng larong ipapagawa nila samin, ganong klase pa.

Tapos ayon. Last na naman kami. Nung pinapagawa yung mga voices ng mga animals bawat team, (cat kami), hindi kami umimik. HAHAHAHA. Muntimang talaga. Di kasi namin narinig yung team namin. Tapos mukha daw kaming lantang halaman na naliligaw sa gubat haha. Sarap lang sapukin eh.
Pinasayaw pa kami nung guest speaker. Kajirits lang eh. Tapos shet. Shet talaga. Tinignan ako ni Justin kung nasayaw ako. Tapos nung di na sya nakatingin, ako naman tumingin sa kanya. HAHAHAHA shet yon. Para syang nagdo-dougie na ewan. Basta kilig.
Tapos ang pogi pogi nya talaga.
Then nung lunch, magisa lang ako don sa hilera namin kasi nagbabasa ako ng Harry Potter. Tumingin sya sakin ng medyo matagal. Tapos maya maya umupo sya sa likod ko. As in sobrang likod ko talaga. Halos magkadikit na yun ulo namin. Naguusap sila nung teacher nilang malandi. Nung una nakafocus pa ko dun sa Harry Potter. Pero after a while medyo di na ko makaconcentrate kaya nakinig ako sa usapan nila. Tae. Nililipat nung teacher nila yung usapan sa love life nun. Playboy pala yong mokong na yon. Walang kwenta. Bale ang lakas ng boses nya nung una tapos nung tinanong na sya kung ilan chix nya, humina boses nya. HAHAHA. Takte. Tapos ayon, may sinabi pa nga kung crush daw ba nya yung Kyla (I dunno who that is) tapos hinaan nya na naman. Ewan. Sabi nung teacher, "Baket? Ahh.. Kasi panget? Ahaha."
Naturn off na ko sa kanya.


Basta ayon ang gulo ko magkwento.
Nung hapon, I realized, sya yung kinikwento sakin ni Cheska nung 1st year. Buti narealize ko to kundi hindi ko masesearch fb nya at hindi ko malalaman pangalan nya. HAHAHAHA. Landita. Basta. Nakita ko sya non dati nung first year, nakasalubong namin sa sa hallway. Tapos nakita ko din sya sa labas ng room namin, nakapila for entrance exam. Nakatingin sya sakin non eh, nakatingin din ako sa kanya. Okay. So what a coincidence.

Hindi ko talaga sya crush eh. Parang panakip butas lang. Ginawa ko lang syang crush para makalimutan ko si Nell. I don't know if that'll work. Parang hindi naman.

Well I don't like Nell anymore because of his ERICA.
Magsama sila.
I'm gonna be happy alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Forever Alone.

Have you ever felt like you're being worthless to everyone? Like you care for them too much than you thought but they never give a single time for you? Like, they always take you for granted after everything you have done for them. And yeah, that's what I'm feeling today.
I feel tired of everything. I feel frustrated. I feel kinda mad with my father. Well he always treat us like we're his slaves. I mean, he always mutter offensive lines, he always tell me things that will surely tear my heart into pieces. He makes me feel like I'm completely useless, that they never wanted me as their child. Okay, I'm being so dramatic. But it's just painful, painful for me that I can't even handle it sometimes. I cry for the same things over and over again. And I don't really think they appreciate my efforts to make them proud of me.
My mom also, she never talked to me properly. I mean she always says bad things, bad words with a high pitch to make me scared. She knows how much I hate hearing bad stuffs from her. She do things to make me suffer. Okay, not that exaggerated, but I always get scolded for some little things because of her. Demanding to the highest level.
My parents don't really understand me. They thought they do, but they never really had an open mind to listen to my side. They always think that they're the superiors, that they know everything, that they're always right.
My sister. I just really hate her. I feel guilty because I know, hating is a sin. But I couldn't stand her immaturity! She's mean, absolutely cruel, and she thinks she's so intelligent and genius like she knows everything! She always puts me down. And I give my best to understand her stupidity even if she never had a heart for me.
There's no one here by my side. My friends are just there because they don't have a choice. We've been friends since elementary and I think they can't leave me because they'll look bad. They have their own businesses and no one, obviously, will think of me at a moment. My best friend's going to Singapore on Friday, and I'll be feeling alone again. Oohbratz's kind of breaking up because Gen doesn't really like Jessica and Jessica's feeling outsider whenever we get along. We don't bond anymore, and I don't know what happen. I'm being "nakikisawsaw" to them sometimes because there's no one I could get along to. I don't know. I'm just empty, and alone, and alienated.
There's no one that I could count on these days.
Then these guys, Angelo, Janine, Madz and their own circle of friends, are kind of bullying me. I don't know. They found out my blog. They knew things and they called me "A PLASTIC". They tell people bad things behind my back. I don't know who's worse between us. Me, who told her personal blog some random feelings without putting names into it so they couldn't be in trouble in case somebody will  read it, or them, who keeps on jumping into conclusion and just tell everybody that I'm bad, plastic, unreal just because I didn't force myself to be happy over their stupid, awful and bad manners? Well I'm the one who said sorry in the end, even if I know it's not my fault. I just want to maintain our friendships. And I'm being so kind to them, even if Angelo's still mad at me up to this second.
I have also a lot of insecurities. I fall for boys who like someone else. People in our class really excel, but not me. People I care for the most cares for someone prettier, more popular, smarter. And I don't really get it. I want to make others happy, and I forget to make myself happy too. In the end, I just get being empty and lonely. And no one's here for me. And no one's here to understand, to make me laugh, or even just to make me feel loved.
I think nobody loves me.
I think nobody cares for my existence.
I think nobody wants me the way I wanted them.
This life sucks, I know. But there's no other option.
I'm gonna live my life the way I wanted it to be, even if in the end, I get tired of everything.
God, be with me always.