Have you ever felt like you're being worthless to everyone? Like you care for them too much than you thought but they never give a single time for you? Like, they always take you for granted after everything you have done for them. And yeah, that's what I'm feeling today.
I feel tired of everything. I feel frustrated. I feel kinda mad with my father. Well he always treat us like we're his slaves. I mean, he always mutter offensive lines, he always tell me things that will surely tear my heart into pieces. He makes me feel like I'm completely useless, that they never wanted me as their child. Okay, I'm being so dramatic. But it's just painful, painful for me that I can't even handle it sometimes. I cry for the same things over and over again. And I don't really think they appreciate my efforts to make them proud of me.
My mom also, she never talked to me properly. I mean she always says bad things, bad words with a high pitch to make me scared. She knows how much I hate hearing bad stuffs from her. She do things to make me suffer. Okay, not that exaggerated, but I always get scolded for some little things because of her. Demanding to the highest level.
My parents don't really understand me. They thought they do, but they never really had an open mind to listen to my side. They always think that they're the superiors, that they know everything, that they're always right.
My sister. I just really hate her. I feel guilty because I know, hating is a sin. But I couldn't stand her immaturity! She's mean, absolutely cruel, and she thinks she's so intelligent and genius like she knows everything! She always puts me down. And I give my best to understand her stupidity even if she never had a heart for me.
There's no one here by my side. My friends are just there because they don't have a choice. We've been friends since elementary and I think they can't leave me because they'll look bad. They have their own businesses and no one, obviously, will think of me at a moment. My best friend's going to Singapore on Friday, and I'll be feeling alone again. Oohbratz's kind of breaking up because Gen doesn't really like Jessica and Jessica's feeling outsider whenever we get along. We don't bond anymore, and I don't know what happen. I'm being "nakikisawsaw" to them sometimes because there's no one I could get along to. I don't know. I'm just empty, and alone, and alienated.
There's no one that I could count on these days.
Then these guys, Angelo, Janine, Madz and their own circle of friends, are kind of bullying me. I don't know. They found out my blog. They knew things and they called me "A PLASTIC". They tell people bad things behind my back. I don't know who's worse between us. Me, who told her personal blog some random feelings without putting names into it so they couldn't be in trouble in case somebody will  read it, or them, who keeps on jumping into conclusion and just tell everybody that I'm bad, plastic, unreal just because I didn't force myself to be happy over their stupid, awful and bad manners? Well I'm the one who said sorry in the end, even if I know it's not my fault. I just want to maintain our friendships. And I'm being so kind to them, even if Angelo's still mad at me up to this second.
I have also a lot of insecurities. I fall for boys who like someone else. People in our class really excel, but not me. People I care for the most cares for someone prettier, more popular, smarter. And I don't really get it. I want to make others happy, and I forget to make myself happy too. In the end, I just get being empty and lonely. And no one's here for me. And no one's here to understand, to make me laugh, or even just to make me feel loved.
I think nobody loves me.
I think nobody cares for my existence.
I think nobody wants me the way I wanted them.
This life sucks, I know. But there's no other option.
I'm gonna live my life the way I wanted it to be, even if in the end, I get tired of everything.
God, be with me always.