Always see the good side of people - today's mantra

I just got out of the bathroom and found myself sitting here in front of the computer to vent out all contemplation I had a while ago. I don't know, I just feel annoyed with several people. Maybe my annoyance meter got triggered because my crush and his boyfriend got reconciled again after their almost one-week fight. I thought everything will finally go smooth between me and my crush after we walked home together last night (by together, I mean me and him and 3 other friends), but yes, they got back together today. I noticed it because they both go online and offline on facebook at the same time, which they always do when they're in good terms. I remember wanting to scream out of mere disappointment when I checked facebook just after I woke up. Hahaha.

I guess I'm having a deja vu (we were also like this back in Arezzo)(so now I would say I'm in the Rome stage)(Gawd!).

I feel a bit hopeless with my choir performance, because the conductor rarely comments on me with a 'good'. Oftentimes he would just move on to the next singer after hearing me sing, even when I think I'm doing good. So maybe I'm getting bored and unmotivated because even when I exert effort (kahit na wala namang tour or competition), I just can't get there. I'm expecting some evolution because I'm always present at the rehearsals and I'm always attentive (lol kinda) and I do what he says I should do but I can feel that my voice is still as shit as before. Someone from the choir even commented "Itong si Chloe ang hina na ng boses... huwag nyo kasi ipahinga boses nyo". Like, hello, mas madami pa 'kong naaattend-ang rehearsal time kaysa sa'yo. But sure, I'd just accept criticisms because I somehow agree with him (hehe). I think it's because of my placement. The conductor just tells me to brighten my vowels and to smile but I think it's not really on the mouth, it's the lack of nasal sound. And I don't know how to improve that. I'm just expecting him to focus on training the members' vocal improvements rather than getting mad at us when he doesn't hear the fortissimo he is expecting us to produce. I'm not directly saying that it's all his fault and I hate him, but clearly there is something wrong with our rehearsals (whether in his way of training or in the members ourselves)(but yes I still kinda hate him because he's in good terms with my crush again)(lol as if I have the right to be mad).

Aside from the not-so-personal issues with the conductor, the memories from the past go haunting me again because I had a dream about him (last last night) getting mad at my co-member for something personal. It was like the Vienna tragedy, only that the setting was in Paris and he was pertaining to Jamie and Jamie was fighting back. It made me think that, what if I also fought back while he told us those over-insensitive things? What if I told him, "Bakit ngayon mo lang sinabing ayaw mo sakin kung kailang naiskripisyo ko na lahat ng mahahalagang bagay sakin para sa choir mo? Sana ininform mo na ko dati pa sa Pilipinas para nagka-college na lang ako ngayon imbis na nagpapakahirap ako makisama sa'yong wala namang pakialam sakin lols joke lang po" but yes we all know where it would lead.

The problem with him and with me and with some people who have lots of hate inside them is this: we always see the worst in people. Like how I hate my gay friend because he always copy my styles over the internet and we're near having the same personalities because he's trying to be me (feeling ko lang), instead of just getting happy because I found someone with the strongest connection with me because we relate in many things. Like how I hate one of my friends because she's being so obsessed with herself and she thinks she's ahead of everyone, instead of appreciating all the support she's been giving me since the very beginning. Like how I hate my crush for being so maarte and malabo and mataray, instead of just seeing the good side in him (lol if he has one)(of course he does but hey I'm trying to move on). Like how I get annoyed with strangers from time to time, instead of thinking that we're all humans and we all have our own imperfections. I don't know how to be writing-ready because I really can't give good examples of 'how I see the worst in people and how I should do the opposite thing', but yes I guess you already understand.

I just want to say that I'm finally back to school last Monday and over the three days (my first - fake - week) I learned lots of things from the people I met. I might blog about that soon but I shall find my sipag to write first, wherever that is.