There are just these days when I'm being reminded that joining the tour in Europe was the best decision I've ever pursued in my life. I would say that those were the best 3 months of my life. Even though it was very hard, given that I  was terribly away from my family for the first time and there were definitely the annoying issues with my company and I felt too young to survive, it was all worth it.

I don't know if this would be viewable, but watching this again after a while is really heart melting. It's a video from our farewell dinner in Switzerland; us singing A Thousand Miles dedicated to our beloved swiss families. My Papa was there in front of the camera, caught recording the same scene and acted like his usual Papa Hans mood. Gahd, I miss him and Mama Daniela. They were one of the coolest hosts I've ever had, especially Papa Hans who kind of has the bagets yet strict vibe of dad. He gets really impatient too, which I kind of like, especially when we do the after-concert meetings and he'd shout "Chloe... Shennene... my daughters.." dramatically and we would be in panic. But he could be gentle too. He drove us with my other choirmates (whom we exclusively picked because they are our friends) to the mountains and treated us into the cable car which we were all fascinated about. And at night, him, me and Mama Daniela would stay up late just to talk about music, astrology and stuff.

Watching the video didn't only remind me of my swiss family,but also the things we used to do when we were in Europe. It reminded me of how bonded we were in those days. I suddenly missed the former members in my batch. Kuya Ron might not had the proper way to leave but that didn't make me hate him. Even though he can be really irritating at times, I will never forget our little moments. The best memory I have of him is during Torrevieja, when I was venting my feelings out to him about my choir struggls towards the conductor, and how comforting he was and how he understood me better than anyone else. He's not so bad to talk to, you know (lol), he can be very good at it sometimes. Nricho - he's definitely one of my dearest friends. He's very annoying lots of times and clingy (ugh) and childish but I don't know... I just like him so much, as a friend. Looking back at those days, I realize that he's been with me through all the important points in the tour. My first cry im that Vienna tragedy, my buddy whenever I feel like isolating myself from annoying members (hahaha), my confidant, my seatmate in the (probably) longest train ride of the tour. Who would just listen and listen and not judge you. Who made me buy stuff that I didn't actually need. Who's always treating me with small things and train snacks, then he would borrrow bigger money from me and never pay back. Who's veey laid back and friendly, very irritating and lazy. But he's someone I will never forget too.

We have had our backs through the gloomiest of time, and shared the loudest laughs in our sunny days. We have prepared so much for the tour and suffered lots of hardships to the point of sacrificing even the most important things in your life. We have entered the game as a whole and now we will leave one by one. It's kind of sad. I know I am almost always annoyed with my choirmates and with sir, and of course I still have my own personal issues, abd sometimes I just want to quit and walk away.. But looking at how far we made it through together, it makes my heart melt.

I love my batch, even when it's flawed. Kind of because I have no choice but to love them (hahaha). I am still thankful that my only choice was them.

I miss the old days. If I could just relive moments.

A letter to my (choral) crush

Tonight, you just said your farewell.

Although I knew that this might be your last concert with us, I felt the extreme sadness when you were about to start your goodbye. It kind of made me cover my ears, or go to the bathroom - but this is your goodbye. Even when it's hard to hear, I want to look at you for the last time and hear your voice as long as I could.

It's not that this would be our last time to see each other, right? Because you told us that you'd still going to be there, only 'pasulpot sulpot'. It's okay, I'm so used to that. Remember, my first months being attracted to you, I was just an IIVE member and you were teaching there at the most random times. I stayed in like with you even when the interval of our meetings was a month, sometimes more. I remember typing into my phone's notes about all the exhilarating #feels I've had whenever you surprise us in the rehearsals (with your UST black hoodie, I'd never forget! That's my fave outfit lol). It's been two years. Time really does fly, but my feelings for you never change - they worsen.

I know that you have always known. I'm really the quiet type when liking someone, and amidst the silence I know that you've always heard my feelings for you. Even when we're the least close in the choir, even when I can barely move when you're around because you make me absolutely conscious.
I still believe that we have this connection, this invisible line sparkling whenever our eyes meet. I know that I'm not your first choice. I'm barely an option to you. I'm definitely not your type, but I can feel that I matter to you. And between those kiligs and doubts are moments that I truly treasure.

I feel emotional because the goodbye came from you - the man I've been dramatically craving to for more than 2 years. All the memories we've had that seem to happen a thousand years ago, from the Hibang Sa Awit days, the Siksiksibatumanikkam choreo, the CME concert, our recording nights, my secretly-drowning to your Tunay na Ligaya voice, to the tour (esp. Arezzo) days, your "The Way You Look At Me", your patama karaoke songs at our second Christmas Party together... and stuff. I cannot count all the nights that I have looked at the stars and wished for you, and all the time that I felt my heart breaking whenever you get your heart broken by him.

Even when you irritate me most of the time (because you can be a little bitchier than me) with your gayness, and even when I have already told myself millions of time that I'm so done with you, seeing you smile at me instantly fades my madness away.

There are still things that I want to tell you in this letter, an infinite list of emotions that I have suppressed to myself all along, but I will just stick to this: You're a very wonderful person, J. You always make me in awe with all the things you do. You were a dream to me, but I know it's more important for you to pursue your own dreams, which might not include me (uhm definitely?). You know that I believe in you, right? That will never change. I will always admire you and your passion, and I know that one day you'll gonna surprise us with more thrilling achievements. You'll be a doctor, that's one.

Thank you for the musical journey with you, J. I hope there would be part 2 (just like the concert tonight), and when that time comes, I hope that we'll get better for each other. You're an inspiration!

P.S. Now I feel all the stupidity I have in my cells because of all the missed opportunities with you. I would love to hug you goodbye while you were looking at me when I was about to exit the room, but I just looked to the floor. Now I would just miss your hug (your one and only hug) from last December. Sayang ka talaga, girl!

P.P.S. I'm missing your voice already.