Although I knew that this might be your last concert with us, I felt the extreme sadness when you were about to start your goodbye. It kind of made me cover my ears, or go to the bathroom - but this is your goodbye. Even when it's hard to hear, I want to look at you for the last time and hear your voice as long as I could.
It's not that this would be our last time to see each other, right? Because you told us that you'd still going to be there, only 'pasulpot sulpot'. It's okay, I'm so used to that. Remember, my first months being attracted to you, I was just an IIVE member and you were teaching there at the most random times. I stayed in like with you even when the interval of our meetings was a month, sometimes more. I remember typing into my phone's notes about all the exhilarating #feels I've had whenever you surprise us in the rehearsals (with your UST black hoodie, I'd never forget! That's my fave outfit lol). It's been two years. Time really does fly, but my feelings for you never change - they worsen.
I know that you have always known. I'm really the quiet type when liking someone, and amidst the silence I know that you've always heard my feelings for you. Even when we're the least close in the choir, even when I can barely move when you're around because you make me absolutely conscious.
I still believe that we have this connection, this invisible line sparkling whenever our eyes meet. I know that I'm not your first choice. I'm barely an option to you. I'm definitely not your type, but I can feel that I matter to you. And between those kiligs and doubts are moments that I truly treasure.
I feel emotional because the goodbye came from you - the man I've been dramatically craving to for more than 2 years. All the memories we've had that seem to happen a thousand years ago, from the Hibang Sa Awit days, the Siksiksibatumanikkam choreo, the CME concert, our recording nights, my secretly-drowning to your Tunay na Ligaya voice, to the tour (esp. Arezzo) days, your "The Way You Look At Me", your patama karaoke songs at our second Christmas Party together... and stuff. I cannot count all the nights that I have looked at the stars and wished for you, and all the time that I felt my heart breaking whenever you get your heart broken by him.
Even when you irritate me most of the time (because you can be a little bitchier than me) with your gayness, and even when I have already told myself millions of time that I'm so done with you, seeing you smile at me instantly fades my madness away.
There are still things that I want to tell you in this letter, an infinite list of emotions that I have suppressed to myself all along, but I will just stick to this: You're a very wonderful person, J. You always make me in awe with all the things you do. You were a dream to me, but I know it's more important for you to pursue your own dreams, which might not include me (uhm definitely?). You know that I believe in you, right? That will never change. I will always admire you and your passion, and I know that one day you'll gonna surprise us with more thrilling achievements. You'll be a doctor, that's one.
Thank you for the musical journey with you, J. I hope there would be part 2 (just like the concert tonight), and when that time comes, I hope that we'll get better for each other. You're an inspiration!
P.S. Now I feel all the stupidity I have in my cells because of all the missed opportunities with you. I would love to hug you goodbye while you were looking at me when I was about to exit the room, but I just looked to the floor. Now I would just miss your hug (your one and only hug) from last December.
P.P.S. I'm missing your voice already.
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