Because you guys don’t understand anything about my life, about my struggles. You don’t understand how it feels to have 30 people waiting for you and depend almost everything on you. You don’t know how it feels to work on your hardest but never felt enough for people. You don’t know why I prefer sleeping rather than putting my butt away from my chair, the way my expression disappears once the school hours start. 

The truth is, I can’t move on. I want to be with Pam and Gen. I miss them to the most terrible level. I just can’t show my true self to my classmates because they never cared enough, and I don’t want to push myself to them. I’m scared they may not accept me the way my friends did, because I know in myself that being friends with me is a really small hole of a needle - it’s badly hard. I don’t think they’d find my humor funny or maybe they’d think I’m so trying hard. Well, okay, I don’t find theirs matched with mine either. I know they can be caring and fun and cute in some ways but I just don’t find them amusing, I mean, I don’t have that tendency to love them as much as Cj does. 

And I’m scared they won’t love me back just because I’m not as funny and as loving as Cj. 

I want to be with Gen and Pam. I want to feel appreciated again, because some things in some days just feel annoying when it comes to ‘them’.