Rants of the Day

I am currently watching this video of Sofia Vokalensemble singing with my favorite Madrigals. Beyond perfection. It's been long since I first heard about the former choir from the old members. That's actually Ate Joy's favorite choir. I've never watched any of their videos because I wasn't so interested in foreign choirs (maybe because I can't relate to the pieces they sing?) but while browsing through Facebook, I saw the Madz posting the video and I couldn't help but watch it. Beyond perfection, beyond perfection.

I got home from tonight's rehearsal about an hour ago. It was too boring because we didn't have much to do aside from sitting and singing mass songs every 30 minutes. I was also annoyed because of my choirmates who attended (I don't know, I just don't like them that much these days)(oh, except for Joanna). I was bothered when Sir chose Joanna over me to vocalize and to show the trainees how it must be done. Like, hello? I should get acknowledged because I was also young and inexperienced when I joined IIVE and I chose to survive more struggles than Joanna because of my soprano transitioning from the (medyo) wasted alto years, the tour, etc. I should be the one he's more proud of because I survive all of those and I have improved this fast comparing to the other members.

I don't know. I felt a bit annoyed when that happened, sure, but I just thought that maybe he chose her because she's the youngest, and that I should also be proud of her because we all have our share of hard work.

I also felt annoyed when I talked to Lei Anne, maybe for the first time in 5 years, and Ate Joy told us to tone down our volume because we're noisy. I mean, it's actually understandable and she was properly reminding us of the manners, but because it came from her I suddenly felt the annoyance. Hahaha. There is always that one person whom you get instantly annoyed to no matter what she does.

At the end of the rehearsal, the oldest members had their words of encouragement for the trainees. I didn't listen enough because I was preparing a prayer in my head in case Ate Joy ask me to lead tonight's prayer. There's this one said by Sir that I felt uncomfortable about. He asked Ate Joy if we still feel nervous to get called when our conductor tries one by one. I didn't answer even if the question is meant for us, the old members, just because I'm not in the mood plus Sir wasn't looking at me. Then he said, "pangit naman kung hindi ka na kinakabahan. Ibig sabihin galing na galing ka na sa sarili mo". Ate Joy agreed and added, "wala ka nang room for improvement". And I was like, omg is this meant for me. Deep inside my heart, I am aware that I still have a long way to run. The road doesn't stop with my batch. No matter how many times I get praised in the choir, I know that I'm still not good enough to match a real soprano. But somehow, I carry within myself this pride and competitiveness, that I should be better than this member or that singer. I know it sometimes shows in my actions. It suddenly made me think of the previous times I had said something that might prove this thought. I remembered how I told Sir about Marianne. He was asking for comments and I was too hayok to speak because I rarely talk to Sir, and all of a sudden I blurted out that Marianne is almost always sharp and she probably is the one who sings the most sharp. I'm not even sure. I just hear it on her side. I was immediately embarrassed when Sir didn't believe right away because Marianne gets more flats in vocalization. I didn't know that because I barely catch up with their vocalization because I'm always late. I got conscious because maybe they took it serious, the 'me giving serious comments even when I'm not pitch perfect', and they were really pertaining to me and my arrogant side in front of the trainees.


But there's still a big chance that they weren't pertaining to anybody and it's just me overthinking. I would gladly prefer this than getting secretly talked about.


So I told you I was watching this Sofia x Madz video. I was also watching this Ili Ili song by the Madz and got a little hooked with the Soprano soloist. Wow. There are many, MANY talented singers out there. Now I'm getting the idea of what a really great soprano sounds like and what voice I should aim for in order to make Imusicapella proud. But tonight I feel discouraged. There's this alto trainee, same age as me, who got a very good voice and intonation, like you know, as a trainee. She's good with the line and with the vibratto and the nasal sound plus a bit of chest. She gets the most good and very good among the trainees. I wasn't like that before. Sure, I did improve fast, but I got stuck right up to here. And she has the voice that I can't have. And she's just a trainee. I suddenly feel down because it's getting normal for the world to have really talented singers. I ain't one, even after the hard work. And after the hard work, it feels like no one good enough acknowledges me.


I think I'll forever be an alto. I think I would never learn how to sing nasal. I think I'll never be as good as Krystl, as Bianca Lopez, or as the soloist in the video. Plus, I think pursuing to achieve a voice like that isn't anymore worthy, because sooner or later I will realize that I don't really need the choir and I would quit just like everyone did. Maybe I should pursue another dream, something that isn't this complicated, something that doesn't involve persons as annoying as Ate Joy or Kuya Ju or Ate Angie or Justine.


But it's too early to give up.


Anyway, I'm getting sleepy. I would just add here what happened at the end of my day. I hopped inside Marianne's car and went to Mcdo with the trainees. I wasn't in the mood to be friendly but I managed to survive, and thankfully I did have fun. Ate Tere treated me a dinner and she's so, so kind and jolly. Actually I am quite impressed with the company I had kanina. Lea is also very kind and comfortable. She likes to ask questions and she seems really interested, which I like. And Danniell, my gad, I am in awe. He's super funny and amazing and really fun to bond with. I somehow think that the company of trainees is much enjoyable than the company of my batchmates. I'm starting to love them.


Lastly, I hope I don't fall in like with a homosexual/bi again.

Post-birthday feels

I don't know what to feel.

Since I'm not a really 'ma-celebrate' type of person, I think what happened yesterday was fine to me. I lied to my choirmates that we would go out with the family because I wasn't in the mood to join them for a lunch celebration. When I went home from the mass, I waited for my parents to come home with the food they bought from Bacoor, then we ate, then I chill-ed,  then I slept for three hours, then I watched a movie, then I chill-ed, and basically that was just it. I am more concerned with the people who greeted me in Facebook. I was expecting for some certain people to write a letter for me (ugh, heaven knows how much I love personal birthday letters) or even just to greet me a happy birthday. I was actually stressing myself for the past days about J greeting me, because he might just write to my timeline "Happy birthday Chloe!" and it would be so blunt and I was aiming for a more special one. It turned out, he didn't even greet me either personally or through internet. Aside from that, Cj (my best friend) greeted me in the morning with "Omg it's your birthday blah blah I would just send you my better written message later" and I waited but... I guess, she forgot it? She didn't respond back.

I was almost expecting that maybe PamGen has a surprise for me and these people not greeting me is just a part of their idea. Most of my choirmates didn't write to my wall. Some of them greeted me in the Cathedral bluntly. I was thinking that maybe those were just a 'play', making me disappointed at first to make the surprise bigger. But today, I met with PamGen and they just gave me a personalized - well decorated, as always! - set of letters from just the two of them with paper flowers. I was expecting for more, and I don't know why I did, but I had to appreciate it. Up until now, I'm trying to stop the feeling of disappointment because I still believe that I am much blessed with everything.

Sometimes, it just hurts (a little) when all you wanted was for people to make time for you but they always end up forgetting. I didn't care if our dinner table wasn't full of delicious food or if my wardrobe wasn't filled with new clothes and stuff. All I ever wanted was to feel that the people I care for cares for me back.

Anyway, it sounds sad and upsetting typing this, so I'm just going to talk about today. PamGen and I went to the Enchanted Kingdom, for the first time as three! The travel was quite fast which incredibly amazed me because it felt like Laguna was just 5 subdivisions away. Wearing an orange tag around my wrist also felt amazing because the EK staffs were all greeting me a happy birthday (orange tags are for birthday celebrants who availed the birthday blowout promo). In amusement parks, I am normally the type who keenly tries all the rides available, especially the most outrageous ones, even when I'm super afraid of heights. I was super hayok when we entered, but PamGen was busy taking pictures of us, then themselves. I told them I would follow the line to our first ride and they almost didn't get in with me because they were too slow to walk. And that happened almost the whole time we were there. Too much taking pictures, too slow to move, too much rest, too much decision making (whether to ride the extremes or not). It was a bit annoying, but I did manage to be patient. Plus, they are my real friends and I won't be that rude bitch who will force them to do 'my' thing. If they enjoy taking pictures more than getting in lines for the rides, then I will accompany them. Friends are more important than amusement rides, after all.

I did enjoy though. I wasn't able to ride all the fun attractions (mainly the Space Shuttle)(well I already had an experience from there, though, from 5 years ago)(it's ok!), but we had tried new ones, namely the AirRace and the Realto (i mean it was all our first time in Realto), and Jungle Log Jump (my first time!). I was too scared to try the free fall ride and got discouraged to try the Space Shuttle when the sky turned dark. The new spinning ride beside the Rio Grande was closed.

I guess, we rode enough rides. We all had fun. Enough fun.

When we got to the District on our way home, we went for a coffee in Starbucks. I tried a hot beverage because I wanted to try new, since all I ever order in Starbucks are frappes. While taking my first sip, I didn't notice that the lid wasn't closed well and the coffee splashed in my lap. What a scene. The coffee was quite hot but I wasn't so hurt. Maybe I have a high pain tolerance? Hehe. Then we tried the bean boozled challenge. I don't find the challenge hard at all. I was just laughing at the awful tastes but I can manage. I think my reactions were boring in the camera (because we took a video at every flavor). Pam's are the best, though.

I feel tired right now.

I am happy and thankful because I have a great family and great friends, but deep inside I don't feel quite as whole as I was expecting to feel for my birthday. Some of my hosts did greet me, and I feel so grateful. Some did not, but I understand. The only thing that's bothering me is my special persons not greeting me in my special day. I kind of feel left out.

What's wrong with me? Why do I have to feel this way? I don't know. So lame.

Any way, I still thank You, Lord! You've been with me through everything. I hope I can shine more as how You want me to shine, and let the world see it.

I'm now 17. I look 5 years older, though.

Hindi ako makatulog. Parang may malaking alon ng mga damdamin ang rumaragasa sa bawat sulok ng isip ko. Iniisip pa din kita. Iniisip ko kung gaano kasarap na hawakan ang kamay mo, kahit na ramdam ko sa paghawak mong wala kang nararamdaman pabalik. Iniisip ko yung nginig ng buong katawan ko tuwing madadampi ito sa katawan mo; kung gaano kasarap sa pakiramdam na kumanta nang isang dangkal lang ang layo sa mukha mo. Hanggang ngayon, pinapaulit ulit ko ang bawat pangyayari. Nakakatawa dahil kung ano pa yung pinakamabibilis na naganap ay sila pang pinakanagtatagal sa isip ko.

Hindi ko na mabilang ang mga beses na pinatigil ko ang puso kong isigaw yang pangalan mo, at kung ilang beses kong sinuway yung sarili kong utos para mahalin ka ulit. Na naman. Paulit ulit na lang.

Alam kong dapat na kitang kalimutan. Para akong nagmamahal nang lalaking may asawa na, dahil alam kong kahit hindi kayo maaaring ikasal, hinding hindi ka bibitaw sa kanya.

Pero mas alam ko na hindi mo lang talaga makita ang dahilan para mahalin mo ako.

Pero tuwing nakikita kita sa isip ko: yung mga mata mong misteryoso, yung ngiti mong nakakaloko, yung maliliit na buhok na nakabalot sa baba mo... Hindi ko mapigilan. Masasaktan ako pero hahayaan ko. Wala na kong ibang gugustuhin kundi titigan ka hanggang sa wakas na magsawa ako.

///

nadala lang ako kay lang leav wait yung feels ko

anyway, confirmed, hindi pa ko nakakamove on.

bye.

#nonsense post

Simula pa nung una, napaka-pa hard to get ko na. Hahaha. Naalala ko nung una akong magkacrush ng ~legit~ talaga, nung grade 4 ako, as in palagi talaga akong tumatambay sa harap ng room nung crush kong grade 6. Tapos hindi ako nahihiya kahit literal na lahat ng mga kaklase ko kilala sya (kahit di nya sila kilala hehe) tapos sinisigaw yung pangalan nya in public dahil ~crush ko daw sya~. Mga ganun. Pero December 10, 2009 (???) pagkatapos ng PE namin, tumambay ulit ako sa malapit sa room nila kasama yung kaibigan kong si Ramon, tapos may narinig akong “psst” sa likod ko. Sya pala yun kasama nung kaibigan nya. Take note: never kaming nagusap sa tinagal tagal ng school year. So yung “psst” nyang ganun ay sobrang big deal na sakin. Hindi ko pinansin at medyo tinaasan ko pa ng kilay dahil ganun ako ka-weird sa mga crush ko.... kahit na obvious namang hayok na hayok ako kasi araw araw ko syang gustong lapitan. Tapos tumambay kami sa may eskinita na palagi naming tinatambayan. Pagkatapos ng ilang segundo, andun na din si crush, nakatingin sakin at nakangiti. Naglakad papunta sakin at tumayo sa harap ko. Ayos, dream come true. Pero ang ginawa ko...... tumingin sa kanya ng masama sabay pagtataray nang “Tayo na nga, Ramon! Ayoko na dito!”.


Hindi ko alam kung anong reaksyon nya dahil sobrang nagpanic ako at umalis agad. Pagkalayo, tsaka ako nagkombulsyon at hindi makapaniwalang nginitian ako ng crush kong never akong napansin sa tanan ng buhay ko.


Hindi ko alam kung anong pinagmumulan ko sa topic na to. Anyway, nasa phase na naman ako kung saan hindi ko ma-figure out yung buhay ko?????? Sa mga susunod na araw, ang daming pangyayaring magaganap dahil ang dami naming kakantahan plus birthday ko na (wtf naman di ako ready) tapos meron pang plano yung Dwegsters na EK celebration na deep inside tinatamad akong gawin dahil wala akong panglibre sa kanila plus tatlo lang kami so malamang may isang magi-isa sa mga seats at malamang ako yun. Medyo gusto kong magdasal na sana hindi na yun matuloy pero !!meley me megwerk!! Matagal tagal na din akong hindi nakakaranas ng outrageous event sa buhay ko.


Ang dami kong gustong gawin pero tamad na tamad ako. Tulad ng pagsend ng letter at pictures sa mga hosts ko sa europe. Speaking of europe, may tour yung Madrigal Singers ngayon at ang saya saya tignan ng mga pictures nila lalo na ni Riva at ni JC. Ang perfect siguro ng pakiramdam. Nasa europe ka at kasama mo yung mahal mo!!!!!!! Buset ang saya nun tapos parehas nyong makikilala yung mga european so hindi nakakapressure???? I don’t know minsan kasi nakakapressure kapag hindi mo feel yung ka-buddy mo.


Anyway ulit, iritang irita ako kasi inaasar ako ni mommy at pinipilit nya kong aminin na may boyfriend na ko.... pero in real life wala naman talaga!! Kahit manliligaw nga wala e. Kung alam nya lang kung gaano ako ka-douchebag.... (di ko po talaga alam yung meaning ng douchebag)


Pero minsan talaga nae-excite ako tumanda para makilala ko na yung soulmate ko. Tapos excited na ko kasi feeling ko gwapo sya kasi syempre hindi naman ako magkakagusto sa puchu lang <<kasi ang ganda ko eh grabe!!! charot>>. Nitong mga nakaraan nga napapanaginipan ko yung crush ko sa simbahan tapos kilig na kilig daw ako kasi for the first time nagkatinginan na kami sa ~peace be with you~ tapos parehas daw kaming kinilig. Nung isang gabi naman, nanaginip akong ang ganda ko daw tapos tinabihan ko daw sa table yung crush ko na yun sa harap ng family nya at family ko tapos sabi ng tatay nya “wow buti pa sila ang saya saya ng lovelife” tapos ang saya kasi habang tulog ako nun pinapalabas si Arnold Clavio sa TV tapos sabi nya “wow buti pa sila ang saya saya ng lovelife”. Hanggang sa nagpaalam daw ako tapos hinanap pa daw ako ni crush at hinabol habol nya ko like he can’t let go of me daw!! Meganoin


So nagtutweet din ako lately na sana sya na lang yung soulmate ko. Pero syempre hindi pa kami pwedeng magkatuluyan ngayon dahil hindi pa ko ready. Ang pangit pangit ko pa at ang dami ko pang tagyawat at ang hairy ko pa........ aasa na lang ako na magbabago pa itsura ko after 10 years...... at naway wala pa syang asawa after 10 years


So ano na nga bang nangyari dun sa crush ko sa choir na ~bading~ pala? Minsan napapanaginipan ko pa din sya. Pero medyo matagal tagal na din akong nagsimulang mag move on at so far feeling ko legit na talaga tong pagmu-move on na to. Madalas, sa rehearsal, naiirita na ko sa kanya hindi dahil ~hindi nya ko crush~ pero sadyang irritating lang sya. Tsaka natatanggap ko na hindi nya talaga ako type at may forever talaga sa kanilang dalawa nung jowa nyang 14 years ang tanda sa kanya. <<<oh my gash pano pag nabasa nila to>>>


Madalas feeling ko kaya hindi ako nagu-grow bilang tao at bilang babae dahil palagi na lang ako magisa. Madalas hindi ko talaga alam sasabihin ko. Dati, pangarap ko talaga na pumunta sa isang museum tapos tumitig sa isang napakagandang painting tapos may lalapit sakin na lalaki tapos sasabihin nya sakin “Ang interesting nya, no?” tapos magsisimula na ang love story namin. Pero lately inimagine ko sya ulit tapos narealize ko na kapag nangyari sya sa totoong buhay, hindi ko pala talaga alam sasabihin ko. Siguro magna-nod lang ako tapos hindi ko na sya papansinin.


Most of the time, hindi ko talaga alam sasabihin ko. Like, palagi akong nagiisip at palagi kong kinakausap sarili ko sa isip ko pero pag may legit na tao na sa harapan ko, madalas isang tanong isang sagot lang ako. Kaya hindi talaga ako sumasagot sa tawag na hindi emergency o kaya tumatawag nang hindi emergency. Mga ganun.




Yung nasa taas na kwento, yun nga pala yung dahilan kung bakit mahalaga sakin yung December 10. Nung December 10, 2010 naman, naalala ko tinignan ako nung crush kong grade 6 ulit mula sa service nila. Nung December 10, 2011.... nakalimutan ko na. 5 na kasi yung crush kong grade 6 nun e. Bale favorite ko yung number 10 dahil feeling ko lucky number ko sya.


May thunderstorm ngayon sa lugar namin.


Ayun lang. Manonood muna ako ng tothe9s.