I. I remember reading a line somewhere in the internet that goes like this: if you feel like you can't be the person you want to be around the people you're with, leave that group. It doesn't only make you sad but it also hinders your growth as an individual. When I read that, I literally praised myself for having the patience to endure it all and for staying with those people because I'm not losing hope that someday, it will get better. They will leave and a new batch will come. I endure because I still want to achieve my dreams (probably not the singing part but the traveling part)(I know, that's kinda shitty). I endure because I am hoping (if not believing) that the future will be better. But there are just these days when I feel like giving up. Sometimes I am not happy with what I'm doing especially with who I'm with. Wait, not really sometimes, because deep inside I know it happens often. Like I don't want to improve anymore because I know that the reason behind all this improvement is just for the sake of our choir standing out. It's not really for me to be a great singer because I don't dream to be one (although yes, it would feel great). Last year, it already came to me that I shouldn't give my all to something that doesn't really, really make me happy. But now, I'm still here. I still haven't quit. I am still investing a huge part of my time and myself to something that I'm not quite sure worthy.

II. When I was new to the choir, I often got praised with my performance. I will never forget those lines that flattered me: "Gayahin nyo si Chloe, may matututunan kayo sa boses nya...", "Ang ganda ng boses! Altong alto!", "You're naturally talented... Bukod kang pinagpala sa babaeng lahat...". I believed that I got the voice, that's why I was so inspired to do well in the rehearsals. I prioritized the choir more than everything. I later realized that it's so dumb because I have lost myself in between.

I did my very best to not fail our conductor since he was the person whom I have most respect to. I want him to always praise me, to always acknowledge my ups. Although I was excelling in my music, I was still the girl who's too scared to break free from her shell in fear of being judged by the people around her; too scared to feel rejected. I always overthink. What if they think I'm weird? Or shallow, or irritating, or weak? That's why I've always kept my mouth shut and remained too closed off. I make sure I'll do good in music so that they won't have something bad to say to me. Even when I know that as the time passes, my relationship with them becomes more and more distant.

I used to believe that I am a great singer. But now, as a new set of trainees enters, I watch the conductor say the same lines he used to say to me years ago. I guess he just does it to everyone. I guess I'm not really that special. I guess I'm that naive to believe.

After all that has happened, it's not only the memories I could have shared with them I have lost but also the confidence in me to believe that I am what I used to believe I am a few years ago.

III. Am I regretting after letting my relationship with Justine drift away? Definitely no. And I don't miss it (..yet?). I guess I just grew tired of everything and I realized that our friendship isn't worthy to keep. Sometimes things change and people change. And sometimes people drift away. You gotta let them go.

But I know that if there's someone who has lost, it's me. I am not a lost to Justine but I have lost him. Again, I am not regretting.

IV. A lot of people tend to hate someone just because everyone hates him/her too.  I find it too shitty. I hate people who don't have their own opinions and beliefs.

There's this one member in my batch who had been removed 2 months before the tour. They say that it wasn't because of his performance and his attitude "but his attendance". I don't believe it. His attendances were good as I remember because he's really passionate about singing. Except for the concert day, when he was an hour late with his invented reasons.

Everyone in the choir dislikes him because of his feelingero side and the way he likes a girl (coz he likes making patama on facebook, or he gets mad to the girl if she doesn't like him back). I didn't understand why even after he was removed, everyone still talks about him. He was the joke of the year. Everyone talks badly of him as if he's that ridiculous.

For me, it's not him that I should be wary of but the people who talk badly of him. This is the reason why I'm scared to make a mistake - because I might become the talk of the town. And thinking deeply about it, it's not him who's the "bully" but them. I think they're too close-minded to give the person a second chance and too immature to make fun of someone who's just as weird and human as them.

V. I have so many rants tonight because someone was absent. Is he my happy pill? Who knows.