I am currently watching this video of Sofia Vokalensemble singing with my favorite Madrigals. Beyond perfection. It's been long since I first heard about the former choir from the old members. That's actually Ate Joy's favorite choir. I've never watched any of their videos because I wasn't so interested in foreign choirs (maybe because I can't relate to the pieces they sing?) but while browsing through Facebook, I saw the Madz posting the video and I couldn't help but watch it. Beyond perfection, beyond perfection.
I got home from tonight's rehearsal about an hour ago. It was too boring because we didn't have much to do aside from sitting and singing mass songs every 30 minutes. I was also annoyed because of my choirmates who attended (I don't know, I just don't like them that much these days)(oh, except for Joanna). I was bothered when Sir chose Joanna over me to vocalize and to show the trainees how it must be done. Like, hello? I should get acknowledged because I was also young and inexperienced when I joined IIVE and I chose to survive more struggles than Joanna because of my soprano transitioning from the (medyo) wasted alto years, the tour, etc. I should be the one he's more proud of because I survive all of those and I have improved this fast comparing to the other members.
I don't know. I felt a bit annoyed when that happened, sure, but I just thought that maybe he chose her because she's the youngest, and that I should also be proud of her because we all have our share of hard work.
I also felt annoyed when I talked to Lei Anne, maybe for the first time in 5 years, and Ate Joy told us to tone down our volume because we're noisy. I mean, it's actually understandable and she was properly reminding us of the manners, but because it came from her I suddenly felt the annoyance. Hahaha. There is always that one person whom you get instantly annoyed to no matter what she does.
At the end of the rehearsal, the oldest members had their words of encouragement for the trainees. I didn't listen enough because I was preparing a prayer in my head in case Ate Joy ask me to lead tonight's prayer. There's this one said by Sir that I felt uncomfortable about. He asked Ate Joy if we still feel nervous to get called when our conductor tries one by one. I didn't answer even if the question is meant for us, the old members, just because I'm not in the mood plus Sir wasn't looking at me. Then he said, "pangit naman kung hindi ka na kinakabahan. Ibig sabihin galing na galing ka na sa sarili mo". Ate Joy agreed and added, "wala ka nang room for improvement". And I was like, omg is this meant for me. Deep inside my heart, I am aware that I still have a long way to run. The road doesn't stop with my batch. No matter how many times I get praised in the choir, I know that I'm still not good enough to match a real soprano. But somehow, I carry within myself this pride and competitiveness, that I should be better than this member or that singer. I know it sometimes shows in my actions. It suddenly made me think of the previous times I had said something that might prove this thought. I remembered how I told Sir about Marianne. He was asking for comments and I was too hayok to speak because I rarely talk to Sir, and all of a sudden I blurted out that Marianne is almost always sharp and she probably is the one who sings the most sharp. I'm not even sure. I just hear it on her side. I was immediately embarrassed when Sir didn't believe right away because Marianne gets more flats in vocalization. I didn't know that because I barely catch up with their vocalization because I'm always late. I got conscious because maybe they took it serious, the 'me giving serious comments even when I'm not pitch perfect', and they were really pertaining to me and my arrogant side in front of the trainees.
But there's still a big chance that they weren't pertaining to anybody and it's just me overthinking. I would gladly prefer this than getting secretly talked about.
So I told you I was watching this Sofia x Madz video. I was also watching this Ili Ili song by the Madz and got a little hooked with the Soprano soloist. Wow. There are many, MANY talented singers out there. Now I'm getting the idea of what a really great soprano sounds like and what voice I should aim for in order to make Imusicapella proud. But tonight I feel discouraged. There's this alto trainee, same age as me, who got a very good voice and intonation, like you know, as a trainee. She's good with the line and with the vibratto and the nasal sound plus a bit of chest. She gets the most good and very good among the trainees. I wasn't like that before. Sure, I did improve fast, but I got stuck right up to here. And she has the voice that I can't have. And she's just a trainee. I suddenly feel down because it's getting normal for the world to have really talented singers. I ain't one, even after the hard work. And after the hard work, it feels like no one good enough acknowledges me.
I think I'll forever be an alto. I think I would never learn how to sing nasal. I think I'll never be as good as Krystl, as Bianca Lopez, or as the soloist in the video. Plus, I think pursuing to achieve a voice like that isn't anymore worthy, because sooner or later I will realize that I don't really need the choir and I would quit just like everyone did. Maybe I should pursue another dream, something that isn't this complicated, something that doesn't involve persons as annoying as Ate Joy or Kuya Ju or Ate Angie or Justine.
But it's too early to give up.
Anyway, I'm getting sleepy. I would just add here what happened at the end of my day. I hopped inside Marianne's car and went to Mcdo with the trainees. I wasn't in the mood to be friendly but I managed to survive, and thankfully I did have fun. Ate Tere treated me a dinner and she's so, so kind and jolly. Actually I am quite impressed with the company I had kanina. Lea is also very kind and comfortable. She likes to ask questions and she seems really interested, which I like. And Danniell, my gad, I am in awe. He's super funny and amazing and really fun to bond with. I somehow think that the company of trainees is much enjoyable than the company of my batchmates. I'm starting to love them.
Lastly, I hope I don't fall in like with a homosexual/bi again.
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