A week ago.

_{Jongdae pls}

I fucking want to leave you. I want to leave the fandom. I don’t want to admire you anymore, I feel so hurt and hopeless and shit. I don’t want to let my hopes down again, because that is how things happen all the time. I fucking feel like you’re so high to reach, you’re so perfect and I don’t deserve you. You deserve someone who’s really beautiful and more understanding and sweeter and more.. just better. Someone who’s really better than anyone and who would make you so proud. I want you so, so much and I want you to be with me but I feel like, you, being with me is fucking inappropriate. What if it’s true, what if I should listen to what everyone says? What if I don’t really have a chance to be with you? What if there’s really no possibility for us to meet or fall with each other or stuff? What if everything that I’m imagining right now is just a part of my imagination? What if these things won’t become true someday? Ugh. I want to give up now. It just hurts to love someone who, you know, would never fall in love with you too. It hurts alot. I’m trying so hard, trying to be brave and strong and to fight for this thing. But… what am I really fighting for? If I fight for my love for you, would you even notice? Ugh. 

Ugh.

Ugh.

But everytime I look at your fucking face, everytime I see those sparkling eyes, those lips that never fail to give me chills everytime it perfectly curves - I feel so.. captivated. Smitten. I feel magic with those cute laughs and sweet smiles. I feel like I’m loving you more and more every single time. And I know this is kinda wrong because I’d feel hurt for sure, in the end. But I can’t help it. Every time I look into your face, I fall in love even more. 

Jongdae. Please don’t hurt me. I love you this hard and I’m still not giving you up even if it’s hard. I love you even if I know you won’t notice me back. 

This is hard.