The main part of my voice that our conductor tells me to improve is my nasal sound. I have watched lots of sopranos in youtube for hopes that I would sound like them eventually, tried my favorite Bianca's solo lines in front of our electric fan (just to imitate the vibrating sound), tried lots of nasal warm ups, sang (sometimes annoyingly) in the bathroom - yet I still couldn't make it. Today, my classmate from history shared a story about how singers get beauty surgeries that make difference on their voice ranges. That lead me to a conclusion that (maybe) the main reason that I lack nasal sound is because I don't have a tall nose. I thought of my choir mates and they all have good noses... so maybe that is it.

I greeted morning today with a giddy feeling because he acknowledged my late design on our group chat. He even included a clapping emoticon and a heart. A heart!!! I laughed so much in the inside with bits of kilig and kayabangan because girl, I did not see that coming. My rage towards him last Sunday instantly have loosen up and was replaced with lovely butterflies. So spoiling!

I am now listening to this playlist to match my mood after finding my ideal ig feed (and girl, to be honest).  She feels so damn indie and her photos are way too perfect for me. I browsed at her feed for like half an hour and I couldn't feel sadder that I am not her. I've never felt this ordinary before. I felt the crave of studying at Manila, visiting museums and outrageous amusement parks with friends, discovering good hangout places and coffee shops and fancy restaurants, taking lots of instagram-worthy portraits, reading good books, watching theater plays, going to lots of events and experience life in a wilder way.

I am okay right now. In fact, I'm so satisfied with my performance in school because I mostly get the highest scores so far. But whenever my friends get giddy with my so called 'intelligence', I feel nothing. I don't get the good mayabang feels, I don't even enjoy it too much. The secret is that I feel like I am not really intelligent. It's just that the level of competence in my classes is low. If you put me in a bigger university with people studying in straight private schools and who are very fond of speaking in english and make bida bida's in front of a crowd, then no one would even notice that I have brains inside my skull. I get scared that I'm not struggling right now, while my former classmates who study in Manila and in good universities are shedding tears because of their packed up schedule. I'm so free. I don't even feel like I'm studying. I don't know. My school is not lacking in terms of class hours, because my professors are diligently teaching everyday. I have my Ma'am Hijara and Sir Casas (my favorite professors) who are very professional and inspiring at the same time. I know I'm feeling like this because my schedule is indeed stress-free and my subjects are only six and my school is just 10 minutes away - but I am not 100% good about it because I am not struggling. There are lots of lessons to learn when you're sweating and cursing because of traffic; when you're in the midst of freedom and certainty, when you're meeting hundreds of faces in a day, when you're hopping in and out of numerous buses and jeepneys, when you're really seeing the world as an individual.

I don't know what to do with my life, to be honest.

For one thing, I have been stressing my self with my appearance lately. I somehow got tired of dressing up because I have thought that no matter how effort-ful I dress, I wouldn't look good enough because I really don't look good enough (oh my, self esteem). I still put face powder even when I get oily easily and it only makes me feel greasier and make my eyebrows look thicker even when I'm an amateur and put lipstick even when I look overdone sometimes. I look in the mirror and feel like no make up can make me more beautiful in their eyes; like my impurities are so big that no make up is strong enough to hide it. I somehow think that make up only makes me look more mature (well I look mature already when I'm make-up free) but not wearing make up makes me look more haggard.

I. Do. Not. Know.

I can totally feel that I have lost my sense of humor somewhere, that I have to strive hard to crack a joke in a day. Maybe because I have stuck myself into my silence for quite so long and my loud self has already forgotten itself. I've been thinking that maybe I'm the only girl in the whole world who has no sense of humor. That's a little exaggerated but yes, I have thought of it several times.

My level of awkwardness is really high.

I told my closest friend in college that I get turned off by people who gets bored easily, just because I'm not the type who gets bored easily. I told her that because some people told me that they dislike intelligent people because they're boring. I'm a bit confident that they're not pertaining to me that time because, wow, that would be so rude of them to tell me that I'm boring and they're not enjoying my presence (hehe, assuming that I'm intelligent). I was awkwardly explaining to her and gave her examples like when you're with someone and you get bored of them because she can't do extravagant things with you and you'll choose someone over her. It was hard to tell her that because I might sound like someone is getting bored with me because I am indeed boring to be with and that I'm forcing her not to get bored with me because I will get turned off by her when she does that.

The fact is, I'm not going to joke around with you all the time because technically all my joking neurons are not properly working. I'm going to feed you with conversations that somehow sound boring but when you get yourself into it, you'll enjoy it. (friends, don't leave me)(hehe)

I am now very inactive at my tumblr blog.

It's the second day of February.