11:21pm. One week before v-day.

I think he thinks that I love him that much that he's the reason why I sing. Actually, I'm just so uninspired. He kept on making side comments when in fact, he doesn't understand us. I hate it when people make fun of other people's weaknesses. I understand that he's just very concerned... well... I just hate him sometimes, that's why.

It's not a great day for me.

I left the house this noon, feeling quite giddy because I feel pretty as fuck. I curled my hair and put on some makeup and wore a denim skirt and my color scheme feels very boho (maybe bc of my bag?). I even felt kind of scared because it might become 'too pretty' for others, that it might become OA because we were only going to Manila for a performance. But at the back of my head, I say "fuck it, I'm going to be pretty whenever I feel like it."

When I went to the meeting place, they immediately noticed my curled hair. Someone told me "Ha? Anong meron?" and repeated her surprise afterward, trying to sound like it's not appropriate for me to make up my appearance. Someone just replied to her jokingly, "Syempre Rizal Park 'yun, baka madaming pogi.". Not to kill the joy but when you really think about it, people make it a reason to make yourself pretty for the boys to notice you. In reality, I make it a habit of leaving the house feeling pretty just to satisfy myself; just to pass by a mirror and see my appearance satisfyingly beautiful; just so I can finally appreciate myself.

During the rehearsal of Listen, the man beside me a.k.a. my crush kept on looking at me while singing. It's not a good sign because that only means that I am doing something distracting or I am doing dissatisfyingly. After that, he called everyone's attention by saying that he noticed some people singing stiffly/unenergetically. Of course, I'm one of them. All of my insecurities flushed in and instead of rebuilding my confidence, I felt my confidence meter sunk down. The pressure of being an old member and still not being good enough is really suffocating. Ever since my first concert last August 2014, it's been my biggest insecurity that I can't project properly on stage. I've been working on it for a long time but I'm still not making it. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be good enough as a performer. But sometimes I feel like it's just this: I'm not comfortable on singing with my choirmates. The real thing is, I have lost myself so much since I started singing with them. I forgot how to take things lightly, to laugh genuinely even by the simple things, to be comfortable in talking with someone eye to eye, to not be conscious of almost everything. I hate why people (them, actually) are very judgemental. I hate myself too, for even caring about what they might say about me.

I didn't want to laugh even when I was supposed to laugh, just because I don't like them. In the choir, the person that I dislike the most is Ate Joy. It is so irritating that I always end up doing things with her: being buddies on most houses on tour, having the same circle of friends, singing the same parts in the choir, etc. I just realized that I shouldn't be offended when someone admits that they don't like me because really, there are persons that you dislike no matter how hard they try. She always makes these medley jokes that annoys me (only when it comes from her), because whenever she makes a punchline, she looks at everyone and laughs and expects that we would laugh at her brilliant joke. It's not even funny. I mean, I sometimes laugh at how people deliver the joke but not the joke itself. But in Ate Joy's case, I don't laugh at all.

I was really not in the mood because 1) the pressure of good projection 2) my unpolished makeup face 3) my crush and his boyfriend are beside me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to add another layer of makeup to my oily skin because I knew I would just look very crinkled. I didn't want to do anything. There was nothing I could do.

My crush, on the other hand, was very active today. He kept on making good jokes (but in an annoying way) and kept on dancing funnily and kept on being gay. Sir, all throughout the rehearsal, kept on reminding us to smile exaggeratedly and move. I cannot move. If there's a word of being oppositely body smart, then that's what I would describe myself. They were 'joined forces' on reminding us those stuff as if we have no passion in singing. My crush even said "Hindi 'nyo ba gusto yung ginagawa nyo? *laughs".

I ask myself because I know he's asking me at the back of his mind. Do I like what I'm doing? Not so much, but not so little. I'm just so uninspired. I don't feel like I get what I give. I don't feel like my efforts pay off. I don't feel like a superstar. I don't feel improvements. I feel so stuck. I like it somehow but I don't like how I do it. Basically.

The intriguing part that he added was this: "Guys, Feb 14 na. Isipin nyo na lang... para ito sa mga umiibig.". When I heard it, I was 93% that he's pertaining to my feelings for him. I didn't feel anything even when he's giving 'the moves', like he was saying that if I don't like what I'm doing, I should at least do it for him. How about no? Char Crush don't use my unrequited feelings for this kind of shit

Ate Joy reacted again, striking the fact that she's single. I found it annoying because I don't really care if you're single or not. It just sounds to me that you're declaring your single-ness because it's a big deal or you're making it obvious that you are available.

But actually, I just hate her hehe.

I didn't laugh. She even held Ate Elaine's hand to mean like "sama sama tayong single". I just looked at her and looked away. My crush laughed and reenacted my reaction. That was a bit funny (haha) because I thought he wouldn't notice.

He even sat beside me while answering the survey. Like, literally beside me, with his shoulders kind of brushing against mine (taray). He wrote quite long, even when he's not obliged to because he's a performer. I looked at his paper while he was writing and I realized that he's already 24. I kind of forgot. I just knew that he's around 23-25. We have an eight-year gap.

I feel so sleepy.

That was just it.

Bottomline: I'm just full of insecurities. Chloe, someday you will be good enough, don't worry.