It's Black Saturday. Almost half of the choir is in Boracay, cooling their asses off. The other ones are having their own vacation and I'm here watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians like usual. I'm not regretting that I did not take the free ticket, though. I am looking at their pictures and think "wow, I'm so grateful I did not go with them". I just don't want a vacation with them. It won't feel like a vacation, that's for sure.

The past days, I have been contemplating my feelings towards him. I notice that it's not positive anymore. I guess the butterflies (or something like that)(don't think i have experienced it, that's why) are now replaced with confusion and uncomfortableness. It's a bit clear to me that he and his boyfriend had negative feelings towards me before they left. I guess they're hating that I kept rejecting the offer without any reason. That I'm such a 'pa-importante' and I still have my problem of not reaching out to the choir (to them, particularly), and I guess they think that it better be my loss because they don't need me anyway. They need a fun and outgoing company, not some dull and pa-demure girl tailing them.

And it's okay.

It's okay that they think of me like that. But sometimes I create scenarios in my head like having a confrontation with them, talking about all things from the past to the present, finally explaining things that I previously kept to myself because I didn't think they deserve my explanation. I somehow get kind of blank, though, because I'm so tired thinking about all this. Maybe it's just my pride, and that I simply don't want to exert effort to reach out because I might not like them anyway, that all the impressions that they give me just make me push myself away from them even more, that all the judgement and their sarcastic opinions towards people they don't know well kinda get into my nerves most of the time.

Anyway, last night I browsed through my tour pictures (and justine's, because I just needed to) for my itec1 project. I needed pictures of me showing different impressions for my psychology-related topic and I ended up looking at our pictures together. I couldn't believe that we were so close before (lol I kind of forgot that). Justine is a really fun friend, given that he's pretty gay most of the time and he has same interests as mine. I just realized that I've made so many memories with him and he's the only one (before Nricho) who has seen the real me amidst all the changes I have made over my choir years. It's pretty funny how in one snap I could just shut him down from my life, and how all my stories about my day just went into casual talks. Before, it's a routine that after rehearsals we would walk from the rehearsal place to the highway which is about 1 (and a half?) kilometer and just talk and talk about all the emotions we've held inside during the rehearsal hours. Now, we immediately part ways after dismissal. Strange. But I guess I was the one who started this. At first, it was really a 'trip ko lang' phase because I just realized that he's kind of rude and uncaring and that's not the friend I liked months ago, so I just drifted away. But he pretends like he's not noticing it and he just acts cool like he couldn't care less. Somehow it makes me more annoyed because he should have talked to me immediately. And now it's been more than a month that we're acting as if we just met each other last week.

He just acts gayer. So annoying. But there was one time when we went to the same route, thinking that others might come as well, but we ended up alone together and I can sense that he's panicking inside his head but just acted cool, and then when Ate Rina came along we just chatted casually and he was extra nicer because it had been a while since we last talked, and I guess he liked that mood and he wanted it to continue but he didn't show. I guess he's trying to be more sensitive to my mood, if I'm good with him or not, because he's scared to make the first move. Like he's just going with my flow.

Actually, I want him back again but I can't feel like he's concerned enough, that's why I'm not pulling back. I don't have trust that he's a real friend because he keeps acting like he doesn't care and that you're just a friend for fun (or maybe just because he's your friend)(do you get it)(why do I always have these intense thoughts about people). If only he could prove it... I don't know.

I want to have my hair cut.

I am so over him (my 2-year crush) and I feel so foolish because I have been so stupid over him for 2 years. He's not even cool. I should stop caring if he's mysterious or passionate or witty (and all my ideal characteristics) because he's just not worth it. Plus, he doesn't have good style. He wears same old clothes in a vacay. So jologs.

I want to be Anne Hathaway. Lols.