It's getting quite late for tonight because I still have classes tomorrow, but today was such a day that I need to post here. I only had four hours of sleep because I suddenly woke up at 4 am and felt pretty uncomfortable with my napkin (it's my red week, hehe) and I was feeling kind of lazy again to continue my day's plans and started to think of reasons to say to Cj because I was feeling lazy to go to their church and I felt kind of anxious because this will be the first time after 10 months that I'm going to see my best friend and I am not a hugger so I don't know how to meet her properly and, to be honest, I don't really felt like we were so far away from each other. It just felt like a very long semester break and that we are all getting our lazy bums in the bed all day long. We don't really have a high maintenance friendship. I also cannot recover from my choirmates' reactions to my solo in ETS, especially my crush's, because I didn't expect it was that good. All of those things were piling up in my head and I couldn't get back to sleep. I was just lying there for two hours with my eyes closed and my brain getting drowned from thoughts.
I was on time. I guess I have changed some things in myself after all those months. Weird fact is that I didn't take a bath before leaving the house just because I waited for Cj's reply until 6 am and I didn't feel like rushing myself so I just washed my face and brushed my teeth and put on a light brown turtle-neck shirt and a denim skirt. Before I left, Cj told me that she's gonna be late a little bit, and that 'a little bit' turned into a 2-hour late. Good thing I'm not really bad at waiting. I was there humming and listening to my voice recorded and trying 7/11's charging station and taking blunt pictures of myself. I also wish she would get later than ever so that I will not get obliged to go to their church (this is so bad to admit!!!)(I'm just not feeling comfortable because it's been long since I last went there and... I just don't feel it, you know...) and that we would just go to see the other friends. When I was about to check if I have Cj's number, she tapped my shoulder and there they were. I didn't get to hug her even though I already planned it so much in my head before she comes. Cj was very persistent to go to the church and I didn't want her to feel like I'm just giving reasons so I just made myself want to go to the church.
The church service was fine. Although I never felt welcome (don't get me wrong, they're incredibly welcoming) even before, I just went with the flow. The topic was about how you feel like nobody cares, and we should always remember that God is very much in love with us and that He will always care. I tried to think if I ever felt like nobody cares, but I know aside from Him, my mom cares for me. My parents do. I can never say that nobody cares because God's love is indeed overflowing.
I was kind of giddy because Cj's churchmate, R, is so cute. But I was not in the mood for that. I did not take a bath. I should not flirt.
So the whole reunion with dwegsters is fun. This is a real 'dwegsters united' day. I noticed that I felt genuinely happy when we got completely together today. I was really in the mood to laugh out loud, to be lame, to be serious but not so serious, to speak what's on my mind without thinking, to be just as loud as I can be. Maybe that is what friends are for - to remind you all the things you have lost, to complete you.
A bit of a problem was that I felt awkwardly ugly in our group pictures. I felt like I'm the only one who has real skin problems, whose stress shows exactly in the face, who wears the shortest bottom wear with the hairiest legs. I felt like it definitely showed in the pictures that I didn't take a bath, even though I wore a good pair of clothes (I think?). But I was still happy. I did not really dwell on negativity. I laughed at negative things. It's pretty unusual.
After parting ways with my super friends, I went straight home and took a bath and prepared for tonight's rehearsal. I didn't get to sleep. I didn't even get to taste the spaghetti mom cooked today. There was a little time left. While half-running to the jeepney stop, I was taking pictures of myself because... I don't know (am I that vain?). It's been a habit of me to take the most random pictures of myself and just look at it when I'm bored. I came to the rehearsal room within the graceful 15-minute period.
When I went inside, I was a bit shocked because they noticed me so much. Ate Izza told me right away this (exactly this!): "Ayan na si Chloe, ang galing mo talaga Chloe". I found it odd because, well, wow, she still hasn't recovered from it. My solo wasn't as good as a professional soprano that would make them amazed for days. And then Kuya Donald was complimenting my hair. And I just sat at my place, checking what Facebook has saved for me offline. I was slightly laughing by myself because I saw my dope pictures below the status bar and I was nearly clicking on it, and I found it funny because imagine if I had clicked it and there's no turning back and everyone in the world would see how shitty I am in real life. And the shocking part is that I didn't know that Ju was looking at me that time and he and Ate Jiselle were already talking about me. I was so focused on my phone and I heard Kuya Ju saying "May pagngiti sa phone, di nya naririnig, may katext", and Ate Jiselle went giddy as fuck. She was like "Sino yang katext mo? May boyfriend ka na? Omg excited na ko magkaboyfriend si Chloe blah blah", and everyone including Ju was staring at me. I was the center of the attention and they're all intrigued. Actually, it's been a while since this boyfriend issue has started. They're very curious why "I am blooming up for the past couple of months". First, I am shocked because they're very interested in me. Second, Ju has noticed me in an unexpected way. Third, Ju is interested whether I have a boyfriend or a suitor right now. Fourth, I'm getting near at believing that I'm really blooming up. Okay, sorry.
I guess I did well again in tonight's rehearsal. Sir is being on my side against sopranos. He said he wants the spotlight on me and even got a little hysterical (lol the term) because some sopranos were sustaining on my solo part. I got a little bit pressured because my gahd, I'm going to have a little acapella time where no one in the choir aside from me will sing. I was concerned with my skills than with sir's kind of flattering moment because I don't want to just take all the praise and mess up in the end (later on, Nricho told me that he was focused on me during that time and he has read a tension from me to sir)(totally irrelevant). Aside from that, I just really feel that I'm improving a lot. Sir is just unusually kind to me. It felt like he's so in my side today. I just thought that maybe I'm improving that's why I'm being so appreciated by him.
The highlight of this story is this: when we (the vienna kids + nricho) were walking from the rehearsal place to the highway, we've been talking a lot about our struggles from the choir and all the pain we've been dealing from this. It's just so nice that we, the vienna kids who were there for each other after dealing with the same experience, are still together up until now. It's so nice that even when you're feeling the pain, you know there are three others who feel it with you. That you are not really alone with the madness and the unpleasant toxic. After that, we talked about Nricho's 'tension reading' and I just blurted something like "Alam mo, hindi ko talaga kayang itago yung nararamdaman ko (like I can't pretend to feel something that I don't feel". Ate Geneve heard it from behind and she told me "CHLOE NGAYON KO LANG NAALALA PINAGUUSAPAN KA NILA". And I was as hysterical as her because I have sensed it too. She told me that Ate Izza asked her in the tricycle if I have a problem because she noticed that lately I was so quiet. I am 100% sure that they're talking about me behind my back and that Sir and Kuya Ju is with them.
I am so curious how the hell did they think of that, and who started this story, and why do they even care (well because according to today's topic, it's not true that nobody cares!)(lol ok). Do they really think I'm sad or somewhat depressed? Hahaha, because the truth is, I barely get depressed. I'm a negative thinker but I don't always make sadness a big deal in my life. I'm not also into love at the moment. Well, I enjoy having a crush on my gay choirmate because I still find him so likable, but I'm not in the mood to flirt. Plus, I don't really need their help to save me because I can save myself. But I appreciate that they're concerned... if ever they truly are.
It was such a long day.
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