Talk about the firsts

Blogging tonight because I'm still breathless I need to vent out.

My nerves are burning right now. I don't know kung dahil ba yun sa pagsakay ko sa motor o sa hampas ng hangin sa katawan ko o sa lamig o sa kasama ko. Ewan.

Wait, bago yan, I deleted my two first posts about him dahil he said to me one night na "Tingin ko naman hindi ako magkaka-relationship inside the choir. Tingin ko lang kasi talaga sa lahat dito, brothers and sisters." and I just looked far away and he said after some seconds "sabagay, hindi mo din naman kasi masasabi." I took it as negative. Maybe he can feel na nagkakacrush na ko sa kanya kaya sinabi nya na hangga't maaga na sister lang ang tingin nya sakin. Ok.

I'm trying to move on. Or I was? I don't know kung ano nang estado ko ngayon.

Lately we were again interacting like as in hayok. Like last night, we were on the same table at kinukwentuhan nya kami ng about sa ust, sa college, sa ibang choir. And while walking, magkatabi kami sa likod na naguusap. The whole walk! Ganun ganun.

Kanina, I fucking did not expect it, pero we went out. I don't know how that happened and kung 'date' ba yun, pero I think it's too early to label that as a date (wait bat ba ang taglish ko). Basta my whole life, yun lang talaga yung first time kong lumabas with a guy. Fuck! Hindi pa din ako makamove on. Plus hurumentado points dahil yung first time na yun ay with my crush, plus!!!! sya yung nag-aya. I'm so shookt.

Lord, what have I done to deserve this. Hahahaha charot (medyo).

Actually, feelingera lang ako! Pero wala lang yun talaga, friendly date lang. 3pm kanina, kakagaling lang namin ni mami sa palengke kasi nagluto sya ng ginatan (for me haha chos medyo). After kong tumulong magbilog ng mga ek ek, nag-fb ako. He chatted me and asked kung free ba ako today. Hindi ko ginamit yung utak ko at sinabi ko lang na, oo, why. Sabi nya samahan ko daw sya. Shet. Naisip ko na na baka magpapasama sya maghanap  ng regalo. Super, shet. Super super shet. Yung crush ko inaaya akong samahan sya maghanap ng regalo, kami lang dalawa, of all people ako talaga. So sabi nya, samahan ko sya kausapin yung ek ek sa pagpa-party-han ng choir this coming Sunday. Basta ganun, ang tagal ko magreply kasi hindi ko alam sasabihin ko kasi una, ayaw ko (pahard to get mood) pangalawa, hindi ko alam kung anong purpose ko kasi duh mas matanda sya sakin mas kaya nya na yun ihandle. Pero umoo ako kasi wala na e, nasabi ko na na free ako today.

The whole time hanggang sa magmeet kami, kabang kaba ako. Nagmumura ako paulit ulit sa isip ko kasi shet I'm not ready for this fucking shit how is this happening. Pagdating ko ng saktong 5:30, nagkita na kami, hindi ko sure kung sinabi ba nya na 30 minutes din syang late (yun yung narinig ko) pero feeling ko mali yung rinig ko kasi mukhang kanina pa sya dun tapos sabi nya pa "sinakto mo talagang 5:30" tapos mukhang matagal nang nakapark yung motor nya ganun.

Ayun pa nga yung nakakastress!!! Motor!!! Mas nakakastress yun kesa kotse kasi like pag kotse may sarili pa kayong space pero pag motor you're too close shet hindi ko matake! Sabi ko nga sa kanya hindi ako sanay magmotor ganun. Gentleman naman sya, ganun. Pero ugh, sobrang surreal hahahaha charing. Pag naalala ko kinikilig lang ako so... ok...

KAKAIBA SYA KASAMA like ughhhhhhhh perfect. Kanina talaga fucking shit perfect ng everything. Wala akong ibang mafeel kundi perfection. Perfection at its finest. Chill conversations, chill mood. Outrageous nga lang yung pagpapatakbo nya pero perfect pa din. Super dreamy. Alam mo yon, sa gitna ng daan, kayo lang yung magisang motor na bumabyahe tapos kitang kita yung kalawakan ng langit tapos ang perfect. Ang perfect ng hangin. Ang perfect ng closeness. Ang perfect ng motion ng motor. Ang perfect ng pagdadala nya ng conversation. Ang perfect!!!

Hindi ko na ganong ikukwento in detail (haha weh) pero we talked about stuff like astrology, horoscope, tarot cards, family, HIGH SCHOOL LIFE (this is something personal and wow, super appreciated ko na kinwento nya to), past ex's, relationships, our selves, choir, our thoughts on our choirmates, sexuality, psychology, biology. Describe sense!!! Hindi ko naramdaman yung four hours. Plus, ito pa nga isa pang nakakaloka ng sobra, dapat sa lumina nya lang ako ihahatid pauwi pero sabi nya, since sinamahan ko sya, ililibre nya na lang ako in return. At ito pa!! Kumain kami sa dream kainan namin ni Macky na japanese restau. Fuck. Hindi ko po matake.

Gusto pa namin magusap kaso inabot na kami ng 9pm. Hanggang sa sinabi nya ihahatid nya na lang ako sa amin. Fuck. Hindi ko po talaga kaya. First time kong mahatid sa amin. Pero syempre sa may kanto lang. Takot din daw kasi sya sa parents, hahaha, since nung hinatid nya si jester sa bahay nila palagi na daw hinahanap sa kanya ng tatay ni Jester si Jester. Mas takot ako kasi sabi ko si Loisa yung kasama ko. Fuck.

Bakit nung naguusap kami habang kumakain, feel ko nagbibigay sya ng signs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PRAMIS hindi ko na po talaga matake pramis gustong gusto ko na magopen up kay Macky pero ayaw gumana ng fb pero FUCK nasa 83% feeling ko nagbibigay sya ng signs!!!! Fucking shit!!!! Like the whole time we were just talking about relationships. Sya yung nagdadala ng convo.

Wait kakakwento ko lang kay macky ng mga nangyari so wala na ubos na yung feels ko konti

Tapos naalala ko pa na may kanta kami bukas ng 7 at kailangan ko gumising ng 3 so bye. Bye na. Sorry kung naputol yung kwento.

As if may nagbasa!!! hahahahahaha

What's New in college

Nakikinig ako ngayon sa isang jazz playlist sa youtube. Kapag nakikinig ako ng jazz, naaalala ko yung kapatid ko sa Schwabach na si Simon. Favorite nya kasi yung jazz. Sobrang amazed lang ako kasi bihira lang sa lalaki yung mahilig sa jazz music. Turned on lang ako sa kanya nung sinabi nya yun kasi naniniwala ako sa quote na "you can tell a lot about someone by the music genre they listen to". Ako lang din gumawa nung quote na 'yan. Hehe.

Magi-isang buwan na yung first sem. Minsan nalilito pa din ako kung first sem ba 'to o pangalawa na. Bukod sa nag-shift na yung calendar chuchu ng school, octoberian pa kami ng mga kaibigan ko. Hindi ko alam kung ako ba yung maga-adjust o yung mga tao sa paligid ko? Feeling ko kasi talaga second sem pa lang.

Walang gaanong ganap sa life ko. So far, gusto ko lahat ng professors ko except sa prof namin sa Filipino kasi ubod ng bagal nya magsalita. May isang beses, sabi nya kausapin mo daw yung isang bata sa paraang maiintindihan ka nya. Kumbaga, gayahin mo yung bilis/bagal ng pagsasalita nung bata; ikaw yung mag-adjust. Pero hello? Karamihan ata sa amin hindi na minor. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kinakausap nya kami as if kakatungtong palang namin ng Grade 1. Pero okay lang.

Ang pinaka-struggle namin ngayong sem ay yung mga kaklase namin. Hindi ko alam kung sapat ba yung dahilan na freshies sila at hindi pa nila gano' n kagamay yung kolehiyo. Pero girl, inaaway nila kami!!! or feeling lang namin? Naalala ko nung algeb last week, 1 and a half hour ahead kaming naghihintay sa kabilang room dahil wala kaming matambayan sa labas. Kakasira lang din ng glue ng salamin ko kaya nahiwalay sa frame yung isang glass ng salamin (???)(yun na yun). Pagdating ng prof at pagka-bukas ng guard sa classroom, rumagasa kaming lahat papasok. Ang masasabi ko lang: sobrang hayok ng mga kaklase ko. Alam mo yung panic at excitement ng mga bata kapag dumating na yung service nilang dalawang oras nilang hinintay? Yung "magkamatayan na pero kailangan mauna ako sa tabi ng pinto ng sasakyan" feels? Gano'ng gano'n. Nakakuha na sila Ate Joyce ng pwesto namin, pero meron pa ding nangunguna hanggang sa naiwan kaming walang upuan. Meron pang isang girlaloo na ginitgit talaga ako para lang makaupo, sabay tingin sakin. Binigyan ko din sya ng matapang na tingin dahil ilang inches akong mas matangkad sa kanya, pero in the end nakaupo sya kasama ng mga kaibigan nya. Siguro nga mahina lang talaga kami makipag-gerahan para sa upuan. Kumuha na lang kami sa kabila.

Takot lang talaga sila mawalan ng upuan. Narinig ko na yon nung sinabi nila. Noong sunod na algeb class, sila naman yung walang maupuan dahil late sila. Punong puno ng reklamo yung mga bunganga nila, lalo na nung nakita nila kaming nakaupo sa unahan. Bukod sa gusto nilang makaupo agad, gusto din nilang nasa unahan sila. Dahil hindi naman sila nagpaparticipate sa klase at puro lang sila tawa kapag may mababaw na joke yung prof, ina-assume ko na gusto lang nilang magpapapansin sa prof.

Minsan nagpaparinig din sila sa amin. Pero iniisip ko na lang na kaya kami yung palagi nilang pinupuntirya sa dinami dami namin sa klase, dahil nai-insecure sila samin.... hehe...

Dumami nga din pala yung gwapo sa school namin ngayong sem. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ngayon lang sila lumabas. Pero mas thrilling pumasok dahil 'don. Ang highlight lang naman ng last week ko ay yung discovery ko sa bago kong crush (na medyo hindi pa legit kasi hindi ko pa talaga sya kilala). Nagpa-add kasi kami ng kaibigan ko ng subject (biotech); late na kami ng dalawang meetings. Habang naghihintay sa labas ng laboratory, may dumaan na lalaki na medyo mukhang koreano na nakatingin sa akin. Parang gusto nya kong (o kami.. kung babawasan ko yung pagka-feeler ko) kausapin kaso sabi nya sa isip nya, "ay wag na nga lang... pero... wag na nga lang..". Pagpasok sa lab, lumapit sya sakin at tinanong kung *nakalimutan ko na pala kung ano yung tinanong nya*. Tapos tumabi na sya sakin. Maya-maya, pinatayo kami ng prof kasi may experiment pala yung mga kaklase namin, eh since wala kaming dalang kahit ano, pinatabi nya muna kami sa table. Siya yung nagbigay sakin ng upuan. Kinilig ako kasi ang gentleman! Parang nabasa nya sa isip ko kung ano ba yung ideal ko. Charing.

Wine making yung first activity. Habang wala kaming ginagawa, tinatanong nya ko ng mga kung ano ano. Bakit daw wala kami last time. Ano daw course namin. Anong year na daw namin. Hindi kami magkaintindihan kasi maingay sa loob ng lab tapos sabay pa kami magsalita tapos medyo nahihinaan ako sa boses nya. Parang pa-demure charot. Tapos ang pinaka-nakakalokang part ay kapag may sinasabi syang hindi naman dapat ngitian pero bigla syang ngingiti ng nakakasabog-matres na ngiti. Sobrang cute! Hindi ko ma-contain.

Dahil hindi ko gaanong ma-gets yung sinasabi nya, oo na lang ako ng oo. Hindi ko na pinapahaba yung usapan kahit minsan may mga mali sya. Akala nya apat lang sa isang grupo, kahit lima. Inexplain ko din sa kanya na kailangan namin ng prutas na hindi pa nakukuha ng ibang grupo kasi bawal may kaparehas. Pero hindi nya ata nagets kasi pinagpipilitan nyang calamansi na lang samin, eh yung nasa harap na group namin calamansi na yung ginagawa. Sabi ko, "Hindi nga pwede kasi bawal may kaparehas!" tapos sabi nya, "Ibang calamansi yung sa atin.... made in Italy...". Tapos sabi nya pa, sya na lang daw magdadala ng tubig. Pagtingin ko sa board, 1/4 cup of hot water lang pala ang kailangan. Para syang shirahhh! Hehehehe.

Turn on din dahil tinanong ko sya kung saan sya nakatira. Iniisip kasi namin kung kanino kami gagawa ng activity. Sabi nya sa may Molino daw. Medyo nagpanic ako kasi parehas lang kami ng jeep na sinasakyan! Kinilig ako sa thought na palagi nya palang nadadaanan yung subdivision namin kada pumasok at umuwi sya. Sinabi ko kung saan ako nakatira, tapos tinanong nya ko kung may kakilala daw ba akong *di ko narinig yung pangalan, sinabi ko lang na "Hindi e. Hindi kasi ako lumalabas ng bahay. Hehehe". Sinabi ko lang para ipaalam na introvert ako. Ewan ko lang kung na-decode nya yung hidden meaning. Pero kinikilig ako kasi ngayong alam nya na kung saan ako nakatira, maiisip nya kaya ako tuwing mapapadaan sya sa subdivision namin? Sana....

Pucha, yung kalanturan ko.

Isa pa sa turn on-s ko sa kanya ay!!! hindi nya kabisado yung number nya kasi hindi daw sya gaanong gumagamit ng cellphone. Pang-fb lang daw yung phone nya, pero sya yung may pinakamagandang phone sa group namin. Naisip ko lang na kung hindi sya pala-text, ibig sabihin wala syang girlfriend may less chance syang maging jejemon. Ang mainstream na kasi ng mga taong puro text. Buti sinabi nya na hindi sya ganoon.

Habang tinatype ko 'to, naisip ko tuloy kung paano kung hindi naman pala sya nagsasabi ng totoo? Gaya nga ng sabi ko, hindi ko pa naman sya gaanong kilala. Sadyang nagpapalinlang muna ko sa ka-cute-an nya, kasi sobrang cute nya talaga. Lalo na pag ngumingiti. Hnggg.

Hinahanap ko sya sa school tuwing papasok ako o kaya vacant namin. Mas aware na ko sa paligid ko, kasi simula nung nakilala ko sya talagang tumitingin na ko sa bawat mukhang nakakasalubong ko. Isang beses ko palang sya nakikita mula nung biotech namin. Yung sumunod na araw n'on, nakita ko sya lumabas ng lumang building. Pero hindi nya ata ako nakita? Nakataas yung buhok nya. Nabawasan yung cool-ness nya. Mas gusto ko pa din sa lalaki yung mukhang hindi pinageffort-an yung buhok. Natural lang.

Ilang araw na yung nagdaan pero hindi ko pa din sinasabi kay Macky na type ko yung lalaking yun. Pero malakas yung pakiramdam ko na alam ni Macky 'yun. Sabi nya kasi sa amin out of the blue, feeling nya malapit ko na makita yung forever ko. Last week, may inaasar sa akin yung mga kaklase namin na forever ko daw. Kinausap kasi ako nung lalaki after class after nya malaman na member ako ng Imusicapella. Pero si Macky, pinagpipilitan pa din na may isa pa kong forever. Malamang si biotech classmate yun.

Biotech classmate!!! Hahaha ang pangit ng codename.

Sinearch ko sya syempre sa facebook. Ang gwapo nya pa din sa facebook, tsaka ang hot ng isa nyang profile picture. Sa tanan ng buhay ko, parang sya pa lang yung nadescribe ko as 'hot'. Hindi kasi talaga ako mabilis ma-hot-an sa mga malalaki yung katawan o kaya sa mga ubod ng poging mga artista sa TV. Pero itong isang to, iba talaga!

O baka dala lang to ng binabasa kong libro na It Ends With Us.

Wala akong ganang magkwento ngayon. May rehearsal kasi mamaya at medyo nababother ako sa oras. Next time na lang ulit kapag crush na din ako nung crush ko. Bye!

I. I remember reading a line somewhere in the internet that goes like this: if you feel like you can't be the person you want to be around the people you're with, leave that group. It doesn't only make you sad but it also hinders your growth as an individual. When I read that, I literally praised myself for having the patience to endure it all and for staying with those people because I'm not losing hope that someday, it will get better. They will leave and a new batch will come. I endure because I still want to achieve my dreams (probably not the singing part but the traveling part)(I know, that's kinda shitty). I endure because I am hoping (if not believing) that the future will be better. But there are just these days when I feel like giving up. Sometimes I am not happy with what I'm doing especially with who I'm with. Wait, not really sometimes, because deep inside I know it happens often. Like I don't want to improve anymore because I know that the reason behind all this improvement is just for the sake of our choir standing out. It's not really for me to be a great singer because I don't dream to be one (although yes, it would feel great). Last year, it already came to me that I shouldn't give my all to something that doesn't really, really make me happy. But now, I'm still here. I still haven't quit. I am still investing a huge part of my time and myself to something that I'm not quite sure worthy.

II. When I was new to the choir, I often got praised with my performance. I will never forget those lines that flattered me: "Gayahin nyo si Chloe, may matututunan kayo sa boses nya...", "Ang ganda ng boses! Altong alto!", "You're naturally talented... Bukod kang pinagpala sa babaeng lahat...". I believed that I got the voice, that's why I was so inspired to do well in the rehearsals. I prioritized the choir more than everything. I later realized that it's so dumb because I have lost myself in between.

I did my very best to not fail our conductor since he was the person whom I have most respect to. I want him to always praise me, to always acknowledge my ups. Although I was excelling in my music, I was still the girl who's too scared to break free from her shell in fear of being judged by the people around her; too scared to feel rejected. I always overthink. What if they think I'm weird? Or shallow, or irritating, or weak? That's why I've always kept my mouth shut and remained too closed off. I make sure I'll do good in music so that they won't have something bad to say to me. Even when I know that as the time passes, my relationship with them becomes more and more distant.

I used to believe that I am a great singer. But now, as a new set of trainees enters, I watch the conductor say the same lines he used to say to me years ago. I guess he just does it to everyone. I guess I'm not really that special. I guess I'm that naive to believe.

After all that has happened, it's not only the memories I could have shared with them I have lost but also the confidence in me to believe that I am what I used to believe I am a few years ago.

III. Am I regretting after letting my relationship with Justine drift away? Definitely no. And I don't miss it (..yet?). I guess I just grew tired of everything and I realized that our friendship isn't worthy to keep. Sometimes things change and people change. And sometimes people drift away. You gotta let them go.

But I know that if there's someone who has lost, it's me. I am not a lost to Justine but I have lost him. Again, I am not regretting.

IV. A lot of people tend to hate someone just because everyone hates him/her too.  I find it too shitty. I hate people who don't have their own opinions and beliefs.

There's this one member in my batch who had been removed 2 months before the tour. They say that it wasn't because of his performance and his attitude "but his attendance". I don't believe it. His attendances were good as I remember because he's really passionate about singing. Except for the concert day, when he was an hour late with his invented reasons.

Everyone in the choir dislikes him because of his feelingero side and the way he likes a girl (coz he likes making patama on facebook, or he gets mad to the girl if she doesn't like him back). I didn't understand why even after he was removed, everyone still talks about him. He was the joke of the year. Everyone talks badly of him as if he's that ridiculous.

For me, it's not him that I should be wary of but the people who talk badly of him. This is the reason why I'm scared to make a mistake - because I might become the talk of the town. And thinking deeply about it, it's not him who's the "bully" but them. I think they're too close-minded to give the person a second chance and too immature to make fun of someone who's just as weird and human as them.

V. I have so many rants tonight because someone was absent. Is he my happy pill? Who knows.

Rants of the Day

I am currently watching this video of Sofia Vokalensemble singing with my favorite Madrigals. Beyond perfection. It's been long since I first heard about the former choir from the old members. That's actually Ate Joy's favorite choir. I've never watched any of their videos because I wasn't so interested in foreign choirs (maybe because I can't relate to the pieces they sing?) but while browsing through Facebook, I saw the Madz posting the video and I couldn't help but watch it. Beyond perfection, beyond perfection.

I got home from tonight's rehearsal about an hour ago. It was too boring because we didn't have much to do aside from sitting and singing mass songs every 30 minutes. I was also annoyed because of my choirmates who attended (I don't know, I just don't like them that much these days)(oh, except for Joanna). I was bothered when Sir chose Joanna over me to vocalize and to show the trainees how it must be done. Like, hello? I should get acknowledged because I was also young and inexperienced when I joined IIVE and I chose to survive more struggles than Joanna because of my soprano transitioning from the (medyo) wasted alto years, the tour, etc. I should be the one he's more proud of because I survive all of those and I have improved this fast comparing to the other members.

I don't know. I felt a bit annoyed when that happened, sure, but I just thought that maybe he chose her because she's the youngest, and that I should also be proud of her because we all have our share of hard work.

I also felt annoyed when I talked to Lei Anne, maybe for the first time in 5 years, and Ate Joy told us to tone down our volume because we're noisy. I mean, it's actually understandable and she was properly reminding us of the manners, but because it came from her I suddenly felt the annoyance. Hahaha. There is always that one person whom you get instantly annoyed to no matter what she does.

At the end of the rehearsal, the oldest members had their words of encouragement for the trainees. I didn't listen enough because I was preparing a prayer in my head in case Ate Joy ask me to lead tonight's prayer. There's this one said by Sir that I felt uncomfortable about. He asked Ate Joy if we still feel nervous to get called when our conductor tries one by one. I didn't answer even if the question is meant for us, the old members, just because I'm not in the mood plus Sir wasn't looking at me. Then he said, "pangit naman kung hindi ka na kinakabahan. Ibig sabihin galing na galing ka na sa sarili mo". Ate Joy agreed and added, "wala ka nang room for improvement". And I was like, omg is this meant for me. Deep inside my heart, I am aware that I still have a long way to run. The road doesn't stop with my batch. No matter how many times I get praised in the choir, I know that I'm still not good enough to match a real soprano. But somehow, I carry within myself this pride and competitiveness, that I should be better than this member or that singer. I know it sometimes shows in my actions. It suddenly made me think of the previous times I had said something that might prove this thought. I remembered how I told Sir about Marianne. He was asking for comments and I was too hayok to speak because I rarely talk to Sir, and all of a sudden I blurted out that Marianne is almost always sharp and she probably is the one who sings the most sharp. I'm not even sure. I just hear it on her side. I was immediately embarrassed when Sir didn't believe right away because Marianne gets more flats in vocalization. I didn't know that because I barely catch up with their vocalization because I'm always late. I got conscious because maybe they took it serious, the 'me giving serious comments even when I'm not pitch perfect', and they were really pertaining to me and my arrogant side in front of the trainees.


But there's still a big chance that they weren't pertaining to anybody and it's just me overthinking. I would gladly prefer this than getting secretly talked about.


So I told you I was watching this Sofia x Madz video. I was also watching this Ili Ili song by the Madz and got a little hooked with the Soprano soloist. Wow. There are many, MANY talented singers out there. Now I'm getting the idea of what a really great soprano sounds like and what voice I should aim for in order to make Imusicapella proud. But tonight I feel discouraged. There's this alto trainee, same age as me, who got a very good voice and intonation, like you know, as a trainee. She's good with the line and with the vibratto and the nasal sound plus a bit of chest. She gets the most good and very good among the trainees. I wasn't like that before. Sure, I did improve fast, but I got stuck right up to here. And she has the voice that I can't have. And she's just a trainee. I suddenly feel down because it's getting normal for the world to have really talented singers. I ain't one, even after the hard work. And after the hard work, it feels like no one good enough acknowledges me.


I think I'll forever be an alto. I think I would never learn how to sing nasal. I think I'll never be as good as Krystl, as Bianca Lopez, or as the soloist in the video. Plus, I think pursuing to achieve a voice like that isn't anymore worthy, because sooner or later I will realize that I don't really need the choir and I would quit just like everyone did. Maybe I should pursue another dream, something that isn't this complicated, something that doesn't involve persons as annoying as Ate Joy or Kuya Ju or Ate Angie or Justine.


But it's too early to give up.


Anyway, I'm getting sleepy. I would just add here what happened at the end of my day. I hopped inside Marianne's car and went to Mcdo with the trainees. I wasn't in the mood to be friendly but I managed to survive, and thankfully I did have fun. Ate Tere treated me a dinner and she's so, so kind and jolly. Actually I am quite impressed with the company I had kanina. Lea is also very kind and comfortable. She likes to ask questions and she seems really interested, which I like. And Danniell, my gad, I am in awe. He's super funny and amazing and really fun to bond with. I somehow think that the company of trainees is much enjoyable than the company of my batchmates. I'm starting to love them.


Lastly, I hope I don't fall in like with a homosexual/bi again.

Post-birthday feels

I don't know what to feel.

Since I'm not a really 'ma-celebrate' type of person, I think what happened yesterday was fine to me. I lied to my choirmates that we would go out with the family because I wasn't in the mood to join them for a lunch celebration. When I went home from the mass, I waited for my parents to come home with the food they bought from Bacoor, then we ate, then I chill-ed,  then I slept for three hours, then I watched a movie, then I chill-ed, and basically that was just it. I am more concerned with the people who greeted me in Facebook. I was expecting for some certain people to write a letter for me (ugh, heaven knows how much I love personal birthday letters) or even just to greet me a happy birthday. I was actually stressing myself for the past days about J greeting me, because he might just write to my timeline "Happy birthday Chloe!" and it would be so blunt and I was aiming for a more special one. It turned out, he didn't even greet me either personally or through internet. Aside from that, Cj (my best friend) greeted me in the morning with "Omg it's your birthday blah blah I would just send you my better written message later" and I waited but... I guess, she forgot it? She didn't respond back.

I was almost expecting that maybe PamGen has a surprise for me and these people not greeting me is just a part of their idea. Most of my choirmates didn't write to my wall. Some of them greeted me in the Cathedral bluntly. I was thinking that maybe those were just a 'play', making me disappointed at first to make the surprise bigger. But today, I met with PamGen and they just gave me a personalized - well decorated, as always! - set of letters from just the two of them with paper flowers. I was expecting for more, and I don't know why I did, but I had to appreciate it. Up until now, I'm trying to stop the feeling of disappointment because I still believe that I am much blessed with everything.

Sometimes, it just hurts (a little) when all you wanted was for people to make time for you but they always end up forgetting. I didn't care if our dinner table wasn't full of delicious food or if my wardrobe wasn't filled with new clothes and stuff. All I ever wanted was to feel that the people I care for cares for me back.

Anyway, it sounds sad and upsetting typing this, so I'm just going to talk about today. PamGen and I went to the Enchanted Kingdom, for the first time as three! The travel was quite fast which incredibly amazed me because it felt like Laguna was just 5 subdivisions away. Wearing an orange tag around my wrist also felt amazing because the EK staffs were all greeting me a happy birthday (orange tags are for birthday celebrants who availed the birthday blowout promo). In amusement parks, I am normally the type who keenly tries all the rides available, especially the most outrageous ones, even when I'm super afraid of heights. I was super hayok when we entered, but PamGen was busy taking pictures of us, then themselves. I told them I would follow the line to our first ride and they almost didn't get in with me because they were too slow to walk. And that happened almost the whole time we were there. Too much taking pictures, too slow to move, too much rest, too much decision making (whether to ride the extremes or not). It was a bit annoying, but I did manage to be patient. Plus, they are my real friends and I won't be that rude bitch who will force them to do 'my' thing. If they enjoy taking pictures more than getting in lines for the rides, then I will accompany them. Friends are more important than amusement rides, after all.

I did enjoy though. I wasn't able to ride all the fun attractions (mainly the Space Shuttle)(well I already had an experience from there, though, from 5 years ago)(it's ok!), but we had tried new ones, namely the AirRace and the Realto (i mean it was all our first time in Realto), and Jungle Log Jump (my first time!). I was too scared to try the free fall ride and got discouraged to try the Space Shuttle when the sky turned dark. The new spinning ride beside the Rio Grande was closed.

I guess, we rode enough rides. We all had fun. Enough fun.

When we got to the District on our way home, we went for a coffee in Starbucks. I tried a hot beverage because I wanted to try new, since all I ever order in Starbucks are frappes. While taking my first sip, I didn't notice that the lid wasn't closed well and the coffee splashed in my lap. What a scene. The coffee was quite hot but I wasn't so hurt. Maybe I have a high pain tolerance? Hehe. Then we tried the bean boozled challenge. I don't find the challenge hard at all. I was just laughing at the awful tastes but I can manage. I think my reactions were boring in the camera (because we took a video at every flavor). Pam's are the best, though.

I feel tired right now.

I am happy and thankful because I have a great family and great friends, but deep inside I don't feel quite as whole as I was expecting to feel for my birthday. Some of my hosts did greet me, and I feel so grateful. Some did not, but I understand. The only thing that's bothering me is my special persons not greeting me in my special day. I kind of feel left out.

What's wrong with me? Why do I have to feel this way? I don't know. So lame.

Any way, I still thank You, Lord! You've been with me through everything. I hope I can shine more as how You want me to shine, and let the world see it.

I'm now 17. I look 5 years older, though.

Hindi ako makatulog. Parang may malaking alon ng mga damdamin ang rumaragasa sa bawat sulok ng isip ko. Iniisip pa din kita. Iniisip ko kung gaano kasarap na hawakan ang kamay mo, kahit na ramdam ko sa paghawak mong wala kang nararamdaman pabalik. Iniisip ko yung nginig ng buong katawan ko tuwing madadampi ito sa katawan mo; kung gaano kasarap sa pakiramdam na kumanta nang isang dangkal lang ang layo sa mukha mo. Hanggang ngayon, pinapaulit ulit ko ang bawat pangyayari. Nakakatawa dahil kung ano pa yung pinakamabibilis na naganap ay sila pang pinakanagtatagal sa isip ko.

Hindi ko na mabilang ang mga beses na pinatigil ko ang puso kong isigaw yang pangalan mo, at kung ilang beses kong sinuway yung sarili kong utos para mahalin ka ulit. Na naman. Paulit ulit na lang.

Alam kong dapat na kitang kalimutan. Para akong nagmamahal nang lalaking may asawa na, dahil alam kong kahit hindi kayo maaaring ikasal, hinding hindi ka bibitaw sa kanya.

Pero mas alam ko na hindi mo lang talaga makita ang dahilan para mahalin mo ako.

Pero tuwing nakikita kita sa isip ko: yung mga mata mong misteryoso, yung ngiti mong nakakaloko, yung maliliit na buhok na nakabalot sa baba mo... Hindi ko mapigilan. Masasaktan ako pero hahayaan ko. Wala na kong ibang gugustuhin kundi titigan ka hanggang sa wakas na magsawa ako.

///

nadala lang ako kay lang leav wait yung feels ko

anyway, confirmed, hindi pa ko nakakamove on.

bye.

#nonsense post

Simula pa nung una, napaka-pa hard to get ko na. Hahaha. Naalala ko nung una akong magkacrush ng ~legit~ talaga, nung grade 4 ako, as in palagi talaga akong tumatambay sa harap ng room nung crush kong grade 6. Tapos hindi ako nahihiya kahit literal na lahat ng mga kaklase ko kilala sya (kahit di nya sila kilala hehe) tapos sinisigaw yung pangalan nya in public dahil ~crush ko daw sya~. Mga ganun. Pero December 10, 2009 (???) pagkatapos ng PE namin, tumambay ulit ako sa malapit sa room nila kasama yung kaibigan kong si Ramon, tapos may narinig akong “psst” sa likod ko. Sya pala yun kasama nung kaibigan nya. Take note: never kaming nagusap sa tinagal tagal ng school year. So yung “psst” nyang ganun ay sobrang big deal na sakin. Hindi ko pinansin at medyo tinaasan ko pa ng kilay dahil ganun ako ka-weird sa mga crush ko.... kahit na obvious namang hayok na hayok ako kasi araw araw ko syang gustong lapitan. Tapos tumambay kami sa may eskinita na palagi naming tinatambayan. Pagkatapos ng ilang segundo, andun na din si crush, nakatingin sakin at nakangiti. Naglakad papunta sakin at tumayo sa harap ko. Ayos, dream come true. Pero ang ginawa ko...... tumingin sa kanya ng masama sabay pagtataray nang “Tayo na nga, Ramon! Ayoko na dito!”.


Hindi ko alam kung anong reaksyon nya dahil sobrang nagpanic ako at umalis agad. Pagkalayo, tsaka ako nagkombulsyon at hindi makapaniwalang nginitian ako ng crush kong never akong napansin sa tanan ng buhay ko.


Hindi ko alam kung anong pinagmumulan ko sa topic na to. Anyway, nasa phase na naman ako kung saan hindi ko ma-figure out yung buhay ko?????? Sa mga susunod na araw, ang daming pangyayaring magaganap dahil ang dami naming kakantahan plus birthday ko na (wtf naman di ako ready) tapos meron pang plano yung Dwegsters na EK celebration na deep inside tinatamad akong gawin dahil wala akong panglibre sa kanila plus tatlo lang kami so malamang may isang magi-isa sa mga seats at malamang ako yun. Medyo gusto kong magdasal na sana hindi na yun matuloy pero !!meley me megwerk!! Matagal tagal na din akong hindi nakakaranas ng outrageous event sa buhay ko.


Ang dami kong gustong gawin pero tamad na tamad ako. Tulad ng pagsend ng letter at pictures sa mga hosts ko sa europe. Speaking of europe, may tour yung Madrigal Singers ngayon at ang saya saya tignan ng mga pictures nila lalo na ni Riva at ni JC. Ang perfect siguro ng pakiramdam. Nasa europe ka at kasama mo yung mahal mo!!!!!!! Buset ang saya nun tapos parehas nyong makikilala yung mga european so hindi nakakapressure???? I don’t know minsan kasi nakakapressure kapag hindi mo feel yung ka-buddy mo.


Anyway ulit, iritang irita ako kasi inaasar ako ni mommy at pinipilit nya kong aminin na may boyfriend na ko.... pero in real life wala naman talaga!! Kahit manliligaw nga wala e. Kung alam nya lang kung gaano ako ka-douchebag.... (di ko po talaga alam yung meaning ng douchebag)


Pero minsan talaga nae-excite ako tumanda para makilala ko na yung soulmate ko. Tapos excited na ko kasi feeling ko gwapo sya kasi syempre hindi naman ako magkakagusto sa puchu lang <<kasi ang ganda ko eh grabe!!! charot>>. Nitong mga nakaraan nga napapanaginipan ko yung crush ko sa simbahan tapos kilig na kilig daw ako kasi for the first time nagkatinginan na kami sa ~peace be with you~ tapos parehas daw kaming kinilig. Nung isang gabi naman, nanaginip akong ang ganda ko daw tapos tinabihan ko daw sa table yung crush ko na yun sa harap ng family nya at family ko tapos sabi ng tatay nya “wow buti pa sila ang saya saya ng lovelife” tapos ang saya kasi habang tulog ako nun pinapalabas si Arnold Clavio sa TV tapos sabi nya “wow buti pa sila ang saya saya ng lovelife”. Hanggang sa nagpaalam daw ako tapos hinanap pa daw ako ni crush at hinabol habol nya ko like he can’t let go of me daw!! Meganoin


So nagtutweet din ako lately na sana sya na lang yung soulmate ko. Pero syempre hindi pa kami pwedeng magkatuluyan ngayon dahil hindi pa ko ready. Ang pangit pangit ko pa at ang dami ko pang tagyawat at ang hairy ko pa........ aasa na lang ako na magbabago pa itsura ko after 10 years...... at naway wala pa syang asawa after 10 years


So ano na nga bang nangyari dun sa crush ko sa choir na ~bading~ pala? Minsan napapanaginipan ko pa din sya. Pero medyo matagal tagal na din akong nagsimulang mag move on at so far feeling ko legit na talaga tong pagmu-move on na to. Madalas, sa rehearsal, naiirita na ko sa kanya hindi dahil ~hindi nya ko crush~ pero sadyang irritating lang sya. Tsaka natatanggap ko na hindi nya talaga ako type at may forever talaga sa kanilang dalawa nung jowa nyang 14 years ang tanda sa kanya. <<<oh my gash pano pag nabasa nila to>>>


Madalas feeling ko kaya hindi ako nagu-grow bilang tao at bilang babae dahil palagi na lang ako magisa. Madalas hindi ko talaga alam sasabihin ko. Dati, pangarap ko talaga na pumunta sa isang museum tapos tumitig sa isang napakagandang painting tapos may lalapit sakin na lalaki tapos sasabihin nya sakin “Ang interesting nya, no?” tapos magsisimula na ang love story namin. Pero lately inimagine ko sya ulit tapos narealize ko na kapag nangyari sya sa totoong buhay, hindi ko pala talaga alam sasabihin ko. Siguro magna-nod lang ako tapos hindi ko na sya papansinin.


Most of the time, hindi ko talaga alam sasabihin ko. Like, palagi akong nagiisip at palagi kong kinakausap sarili ko sa isip ko pero pag may legit na tao na sa harapan ko, madalas isang tanong isang sagot lang ako. Kaya hindi talaga ako sumasagot sa tawag na hindi emergency o kaya tumatawag nang hindi emergency. Mga ganun.




Yung nasa taas na kwento, yun nga pala yung dahilan kung bakit mahalaga sakin yung December 10. Nung December 10, 2010 naman, naalala ko tinignan ako nung crush kong grade 6 ulit mula sa service nila. Nung December 10, 2011.... nakalimutan ko na. 5 na kasi yung crush kong grade 6 nun e. Bale favorite ko yung number 10 dahil feeling ko lucky number ko sya.


May thunderstorm ngayon sa lugar namin.


Ayun lang. Manonood muna ako ng tothe9s.

Ranting out after the revelation

Today, I found out that Mark has his twitter account on active again. Before celebrating, I want you guys to know that he's not into his UPLB sweetheart (okay, news #1) anymore but he's into a blooming relationship with a classmate in medschool. They're not together yet but I can see that they're serious with each other.

When I saw that he's been tweeting the same girl, I felt my body weakening and I just wanted to scream. I really liked Mark!!! I thought he's the perfect man because of his blogspot posts (like seriously that was 6 years ago Chloe), he graduated from UPLB, he came from a good family and he just got a very good personality. But oh well, maybe he's not for me.

I would humbly truthfully say that maybe I just don't deserve him. I stalked the girl (okay, me as a desperate bitter/stalker, yes) and she likes sports and Harry Potter and outdoor activities and music and food and travelling. No wonder Mark would fall in love with someone like her. Plus, they look good together.

I don't feel quite dreadful because 1) we don't personally know each other yet 2) i'm guessing that we won't work out if i was the girl 3) i just don't deserve him. This is just me self-pitying after seeing the girl.  lol kinda

No but really.

(I don't know what to say anymore.)

There are just these days when I'm being reminded that joining the tour in Europe was the best decision I've ever pursued in my life. I would say that those were the best 3 months of my life. Even though it was very hard, given that I  was terribly away from my family for the first time and there were definitely the annoying issues with my company and I felt too young to survive, it was all worth it.

I don't know if this would be viewable, but watching this again after a while is really heart melting. It's a video from our farewell dinner in Switzerland; us singing A Thousand Miles dedicated to our beloved swiss families. My Papa was there in front of the camera, caught recording the same scene and acted like his usual Papa Hans mood. Gahd, I miss him and Mama Daniela. They were one of the coolest hosts I've ever had, especially Papa Hans who kind of has the bagets yet strict vibe of dad. He gets really impatient too, which I kind of like, especially when we do the after-concert meetings and he'd shout "Chloe... Shennene... my daughters.." dramatically and we would be in panic. But he could be gentle too. He drove us with my other choirmates (whom we exclusively picked because they are our friends) to the mountains and treated us into the cable car which we were all fascinated about. And at night, him, me and Mama Daniela would stay up late just to talk about music, astrology and stuff.

Watching the video didn't only remind me of my swiss family,but also the things we used to do when we were in Europe. It reminded me of how bonded we were in those days. I suddenly missed the former members in my batch. Kuya Ron might not had the proper way to leave but that didn't make me hate him. Even though he can be really irritating at times, I will never forget our little moments. The best memory I have of him is during Torrevieja, when I was venting my feelings out to him about my choir struggls towards the conductor, and how comforting he was and how he understood me better than anyone else. He's not so bad to talk to, you know (lol), he can be very good at it sometimes. Nricho - he's definitely one of my dearest friends. He's very annoying lots of times and clingy (ugh) and childish but I don't know... I just like him so much, as a friend. Looking back at those days, I realize that he's been with me through all the important points in the tour. My first cry im that Vienna tragedy, my buddy whenever I feel like isolating myself from annoying members (hahaha), my confidant, my seatmate in the (probably) longest train ride of the tour. Who would just listen and listen and not judge you. Who made me buy stuff that I didn't actually need. Who's always treating me with small things and train snacks, then he would borrrow bigger money from me and never pay back. Who's veey laid back and friendly, very irritating and lazy. But he's someone I will never forget too.

We have had our backs through the gloomiest of time, and shared the loudest laughs in our sunny days. We have prepared so much for the tour and suffered lots of hardships to the point of sacrificing even the most important things in your life. We have entered the game as a whole and now we will leave one by one. It's kind of sad. I know I am almost always annoyed with my choirmates and with sir, and of course I still have my own personal issues, abd sometimes I just want to quit and walk away.. But looking at how far we made it through together, it makes my heart melt.

I love my batch, even when it's flawed. Kind of because I have no choice but to love them (hahaha). I am still thankful that my only choice was them.

I miss the old days. If I could just relive moments.

A letter to my (choral) crush

Tonight, you just said your farewell.

Although I knew that this might be your last concert with us, I felt the extreme sadness when you were about to start your goodbye. It kind of made me cover my ears, or go to the bathroom - but this is your goodbye. Even when it's hard to hear, I want to look at you for the last time and hear your voice as long as I could.

It's not that this would be our last time to see each other, right? Because you told us that you'd still going to be there, only 'pasulpot sulpot'. It's okay, I'm so used to that. Remember, my first months being attracted to you, I was just an IIVE member and you were teaching there at the most random times. I stayed in like with you even when the interval of our meetings was a month, sometimes more. I remember typing into my phone's notes about all the exhilarating #feels I've had whenever you surprise us in the rehearsals (with your UST black hoodie, I'd never forget! That's my fave outfit lol). It's been two years. Time really does fly, but my feelings for you never change - they worsen.

I know that you have always known. I'm really the quiet type when liking someone, and amidst the silence I know that you've always heard my feelings for you. Even when we're the least close in the choir, even when I can barely move when you're around because you make me absolutely conscious.
I still believe that we have this connection, this invisible line sparkling whenever our eyes meet. I know that I'm not your first choice. I'm barely an option to you. I'm definitely not your type, but I can feel that I matter to you. And between those kiligs and doubts are moments that I truly treasure.

I feel emotional because the goodbye came from you - the man I've been dramatically craving to for more than 2 years. All the memories we've had that seem to happen a thousand years ago, from the Hibang Sa Awit days, the Siksiksibatumanikkam choreo, the CME concert, our recording nights, my secretly-drowning to your Tunay na Ligaya voice, to the tour (esp. Arezzo) days, your "The Way You Look At Me", your patama karaoke songs at our second Christmas Party together... and stuff. I cannot count all the nights that I have looked at the stars and wished for you, and all the time that I felt my heart breaking whenever you get your heart broken by him.

Even when you irritate me most of the time (because you can be a little bitchier than me) with your gayness, and even when I have already told myself millions of time that I'm so done with you, seeing you smile at me instantly fades my madness away.

There are still things that I want to tell you in this letter, an infinite list of emotions that I have suppressed to myself all along, but I will just stick to this: You're a very wonderful person, J. You always make me in awe with all the things you do. You were a dream to me, but I know it's more important for you to pursue your own dreams, which might not include me (uhm definitely?). You know that I believe in you, right? That will never change. I will always admire you and your passion, and I know that one day you'll gonna surprise us with more thrilling achievements. You'll be a doctor, that's one.

Thank you for the musical journey with you, J. I hope there would be part 2 (just like the concert tonight), and when that time comes, I hope that we'll get better for each other. You're an inspiration!

P.S. Now I feel all the stupidity I have in my cells because of all the missed opportunities with you. I would love to hug you goodbye while you were looking at me when I was about to exit the room, but I just looked to the floor. Now I would just miss your hug (your one and only hug) from last December. Sayang ka talaga, girl!

P.P.S. I'm missing your voice already.

Why is everything so good in the past? Like, I get that wars are definitely uncool, but before, when there were no phones and internet involved, everyone was in the moment. You can do all the things that you want and still have time. You would write letters, journals and stuff, you would visit vinyl stores with your friends and just discover each others' sense of music, you would go to cafes and literally talk. Now is just so different.

I often wish that I was born in the past, in another country in Europe but with the same family. I guess the only important part of my present is my family. That's something I would never trade for.

It's 12:36am. I still have classes tomorrow (i mean, later) but I can't sleep because I can't recover from the movie I just watched: Before Sunset. Last night I watched the first movie in the trio and comparing it to the second, the first one was definitely better. I watched the second last last year and I couldn't get to the middle because I was so bored. I just started watching when I already have the glimpses of Europe, actually felt eager to see if they had walked in the same streets as I have walked, and it's just that I miss Paris so much. The first movie was very moving and the characters were perfect to me, plus they had their first kiss in Prater where I have had happy memories. It made me get excited to meet someone like Jessie, if ever there's someone to come. That's my ideal romance, by the way. I totally love the idea of falling for someone after knowing them. In most of my experiences, when I meet someone deeply, I just get turned off. That everyone is just similar to each other, sometimes copying the styles in current. No one seemingly interests me with their genuineness. But I am so excited, very looking forward to meet more people with soul and personality.

In Before Sunset, I noticed since the beginning how the characters changed over the years. And it's very realistic. I assumed Celine would still be this gentle and hopeful lady, and Jessie this playful and happy go lucky man. But they grew.

These movies are very ironic and unpredictable, yet quite romantic and heart warming.

I feel sleepy.

(He's) not worth it, anymore.

It's Black Saturday. Almost half of the choir is in Boracay, cooling their asses off. The other ones are having their own vacation and I'm here watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians like usual. I'm not regretting that I did not take the free ticket, though. I am looking at their pictures and think "wow, I'm so grateful I did not go with them". I just don't want a vacation with them. It won't feel like a vacation, that's for sure.

The past days, I have been contemplating my feelings towards him. I notice that it's not positive anymore. I guess the butterflies (or something like that)(don't think i have experienced it, that's why) are now replaced with confusion and uncomfortableness. It's a bit clear to me that he and his boyfriend had negative feelings towards me before they left. I guess they're hating that I kept rejecting the offer without any reason. That I'm such a 'pa-importante' and I still have my problem of not reaching out to the choir (to them, particularly), and I guess they think that it better be my loss because they don't need me anyway. They need a fun and outgoing company, not some dull and pa-demure girl tailing them.

And it's okay.

It's okay that they think of me like that. But sometimes I create scenarios in my head like having a confrontation with them, talking about all things from the past to the present, finally explaining things that I previously kept to myself because I didn't think they deserve my explanation. I somehow get kind of blank, though, because I'm so tired thinking about all this. Maybe it's just my pride, and that I simply don't want to exert effort to reach out because I might not like them anyway, that all the impressions that they give me just make me push myself away from them even more, that all the judgement and their sarcastic opinions towards people they don't know well kinda get into my nerves most of the time.

Anyway, last night I browsed through my tour pictures (and justine's, because I just needed to) for my itec1 project. I needed pictures of me showing different impressions for my psychology-related topic and I ended up looking at our pictures together. I couldn't believe that we were so close before (lol I kind of forgot that). Justine is a really fun friend, given that he's pretty gay most of the time and he has same interests as mine. I just realized that I've made so many memories with him and he's the only one (before Nricho) who has seen the real me amidst all the changes I have made over my choir years. It's pretty funny how in one snap I could just shut him down from my life, and how all my stories about my day just went into casual talks. Before, it's a routine that after rehearsals we would walk from the rehearsal place to the highway which is about 1 (and a half?) kilometer and just talk and talk about all the emotions we've held inside during the rehearsal hours. Now, we immediately part ways after dismissal. Strange. But I guess I was the one who started this. At first, it was really a 'trip ko lang' phase because I just realized that he's kind of rude and uncaring and that's not the friend I liked months ago, so I just drifted away. But he pretends like he's not noticing it and he just acts cool like he couldn't care less. Somehow it makes me more annoyed because he should have talked to me immediately. And now it's been more than a month that we're acting as if we just met each other last week.

He just acts gayer. So annoying. But there was one time when we went to the same route, thinking that others might come as well, but we ended up alone together and I can sense that he's panicking inside his head but just acted cool, and then when Ate Rina came along we just chatted casually and he was extra nicer because it had been a while since we last talked, and I guess he liked that mood and he wanted it to continue but he didn't show. I guess he's trying to be more sensitive to my mood, if I'm good with him or not, because he's scared to make the first move. Like he's just going with my flow.

Actually, I want him back again but I can't feel like he's concerned enough, that's why I'm not pulling back. I don't have trust that he's a real friend because he keeps acting like he doesn't care and that you're just a friend for fun (or maybe just because he's your friend)(do you get it)(why do I always have these intense thoughts about people). If only he could prove it... I don't know.

I want to have my hair cut.

I am so over him (my 2-year crush) and I feel so foolish because I have been so stupid over him for 2 years. He's not even cool. I should stop caring if he's mysterious or passionate or witty (and all my ideal characteristics) because he's just not worth it. Plus, he doesn't have good style. He wears same old clothes in a vacay. So jologs.

I want to be Anne Hathaway. Lols.

Dwegsters' reunion + People Talking Behind My Back

It's getting quite late for tonight because I still have classes tomorrow, but today was such a day that I need to post here. I only had four hours of sleep because I suddenly woke up at 4 am and felt pretty uncomfortable with my napkin (it's my red week, hehe) and I was feeling kind of lazy again to continue my day's plans and started to think of reasons to say to Cj because I was feeling lazy to go to their church and I felt kind of anxious because this will be the first time after 10 months that I'm going to see my best friend and I am not a hugger so I don't know how to meet her properly and, to be honest, I don't really felt like we were so far away from each other. It just felt like a very long semester break and that we are all getting our lazy bums in the bed all day long. We don't really have a high maintenance friendship. I also cannot recover from my choirmates' reactions to my solo in ETS, especially my crush's, because I didn't expect it was that good. All of those things were piling up in my head and I couldn't get back to sleep. I was just lying there for two hours with my eyes closed and my brain getting drowned from thoughts.

I was on time. I guess I have changed some things in myself after all those months. Weird fact is that I didn't take a bath before leaving the house just because I waited for Cj's reply until 6 am and I didn't feel like rushing myself so I just washed my face and brushed my teeth and put on a light brown turtle-neck shirt and a denim skirt. Before I left, Cj told me that she's gonna be late a little bit, and that 'a little bit' turned into a 2-hour late. Good thing I'm not really bad at waiting. I was there humming and listening to my voice recorded and trying 7/11's charging station and taking blunt pictures of myself. I also wish she would get later than ever so that I will not get obliged to go to their church (this is so bad to admit!!!)(I'm just not feeling comfortable because it's been long since I last went there and... I just don't feel it, you know...) and that we would just go to see the other friends. When I was about to check if I have Cj's number, she tapped my shoulder and there they were. I didn't get to hug her even though I already planned it so much in my head before she comes. Cj was very persistent to go to the church and I didn't want her to feel like I'm just giving reasons so I just made myself want to go to the church.

The church service was fine. Although I never felt welcome (don't get me wrong, they're incredibly welcoming) even before, I just went with the flow. The topic was about how you feel like nobody cares, and we should always remember that God is very much in love with us and that He will always care. I tried to think if I ever felt like nobody cares, but I know aside from Him, my mom cares for me. My parents do. I can never say that nobody cares because God's love is indeed overflowing.

I was kind of giddy because Cj's churchmate, R, is so cute. But I was not in the mood for that. I did not take a bath. I should not flirt.

So the whole reunion with dwegsters is fun. This is a real 'dwegsters united' day. I noticed that I felt genuinely happy when we got completely together today. I was really in the mood to laugh out loud, to be lame, to be serious but not so serious, to speak what's on my mind without thinking, to be just as loud as I can be. Maybe that is what friends are for - to remind you all the things you have lost, to complete you.

A bit of a problem was that I felt awkwardly ugly in our group pictures. I felt like I'm the only one who has real skin problems, whose stress shows exactly in the face, who wears the shortest bottom wear with the hairiest legs. I felt like it definitely showed in the pictures that I didn't take a bath, even though I wore a good pair of clothes (I think?). But I was still happy. I did not really dwell on negativity. I laughed at negative things. It's pretty unusual.

After parting ways with my super friends, I went straight home and took a bath and prepared for tonight's rehearsal. I didn't get to sleep. I didn't even get to taste the spaghetti mom cooked today. There was a little time left. While half-running to the jeepney stop, I was taking pictures of myself because... I don't know (am I that vain?). It's been a habit of me to take the most random pictures of myself and just look at it when I'm bored. I came to the rehearsal room within the graceful 15-minute period.

When I went inside, I was a bit shocked because they noticed me so much. Ate Izza told me right away this (exactly this!): "Ayan na si Chloe, ang galing mo talaga Chloe". I found it odd because, well, wow, she still hasn't recovered from it. My solo wasn't as good as a professional soprano that would make them amazed for days. And then Kuya Donald was complimenting my hair. And I just sat at my place, checking what Facebook has saved for me offline. I was slightly laughing by myself because I saw my dope pictures below the status bar and I was nearly clicking on it, and I found it funny because imagine if I had clicked it and there's no turning back and everyone in the world would see how shitty I am in real life. And the shocking part is that I didn't know that Ju was looking at me that time and he and Ate Jiselle were already talking about me. I was so focused on my phone and I heard Kuya Ju saying "May pagngiti sa phone, di nya naririnig, may katext", and Ate Jiselle went giddy as fuck. She was like "Sino yang katext mo? May boyfriend ka na? Omg excited na ko magkaboyfriend si Chloe blah blah", and everyone including Ju was staring at me. I was the center of the attention and they're all intrigued. Actually, it's been a while since this boyfriend issue has started. They're very curious why "I am blooming up for the past couple of months". First, I am shocked because they're very interested in me. Second, Ju has noticed me in an unexpected way. Third, Ju is interested whether I have a boyfriend or a suitor right now. Fourth, I'm getting near at believing that I'm really blooming up. Okay, sorry.

I guess I did well again in tonight's rehearsal. Sir is being on my side against sopranos. He said he wants the spotlight on me and even got a little hysterical (lol the term) because some sopranos were sustaining on my solo part. I got a little bit pressured because my gahd, I'm going to have a little acapella time where no one in the choir aside from me will sing. I was concerned with my skills than with sir's kind of flattering moment because I don't want to just take all the praise and mess up in the end (later on, Nricho told me that he was focused on me during that time and he has read a tension from me to sir)(totally irrelevant). Aside from that, I just really feel that I'm improving a lot. Sir is just unusually kind to me. It felt like he's so in my side today. I just thought that maybe I'm improving that's why I'm being so appreciated by him.

The highlight of this story is this: when we (the vienna kids + nricho) were walking from the rehearsal place to the highway, we've been talking a lot about our struggles from the choir and all the pain we've been dealing from this. It's just so nice that we, the vienna kids who were there for each other after dealing with the same experience, are still together up until now. It's so nice that even when you're feeling the pain, you know there are three others who feel it with you. That you are not really alone with the madness and the unpleasant toxic. After that, we talked about Nricho's 'tension reading' and I just blurted something like "Alam mo, hindi ko talaga kayang itago yung nararamdaman ko (like I can't pretend to feel something that I don't feel". Ate Geneve heard it from behind and she told me "CHLOE NGAYON KO LANG NAALALA PINAGUUSAPAN KA NILA". And I was as hysterical as her because I have sensed it too. She told me that Ate Izza asked her in the tricycle if I have a problem because she noticed that lately I was so quiet. I am 100% sure that they're talking about me behind my back and that Sir and Kuya Ju is with them.

I am so curious how the hell did they think of that, and who started this story, and why do they even care (well because according to today's topic, it's not true that nobody cares!)(lol ok). Do they really think I'm sad or somewhat depressed? Hahaha, because the truth is, I barely get depressed. I'm a negative thinker but I don't always make sadness a big deal in my life. I'm not also into love at the moment. Well, I enjoy having a crush on my gay choirmate because I still find him so likable, but I'm not in the mood to flirt. Plus, I don't really need their help to save me because I can save myself. But I appreciate that they're concerned... if ever they truly are.

It was such a long day.

11:21pm. One week before v-day.

I think he thinks that I love him that much that he's the reason why I sing. Actually, I'm just so uninspired. He kept on making side comments when in fact, he doesn't understand us. I hate it when people make fun of other people's weaknesses. I understand that he's just very concerned... well... I just hate him sometimes, that's why.

It's not a great day for me.

I left the house this noon, feeling quite giddy because I feel pretty as fuck. I curled my hair and put on some makeup and wore a denim skirt and my color scheme feels very boho (maybe bc of my bag?). I even felt kind of scared because it might become 'too pretty' for others, that it might become OA because we were only going to Manila for a performance. But at the back of my head, I say "fuck it, I'm going to be pretty whenever I feel like it."

When I went to the meeting place, they immediately noticed my curled hair. Someone told me "Ha? Anong meron?" and repeated her surprise afterward, trying to sound like it's not appropriate for me to make up my appearance. Someone just replied to her jokingly, "Syempre Rizal Park 'yun, baka madaming pogi.". Not to kill the joy but when you really think about it, people make it a reason to make yourself pretty for the boys to notice you. In reality, I make it a habit of leaving the house feeling pretty just to satisfy myself; just to pass by a mirror and see my appearance satisfyingly beautiful; just so I can finally appreciate myself.

During the rehearsal of Listen, the man beside me a.k.a. my crush kept on looking at me while singing. It's not a good sign because that only means that I am doing something distracting or I am doing dissatisfyingly. After that, he called everyone's attention by saying that he noticed some people singing stiffly/unenergetically. Of course, I'm one of them. All of my insecurities flushed in and instead of rebuilding my confidence, I felt my confidence meter sunk down. The pressure of being an old member and still not being good enough is really suffocating. Ever since my first concert last August 2014, it's been my biggest insecurity that I can't project properly on stage. I've been working on it for a long time but I'm still not making it. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be good enough as a performer. But sometimes I feel like it's just this: I'm not comfortable on singing with my choirmates. The real thing is, I have lost myself so much since I started singing with them. I forgot how to take things lightly, to laugh genuinely even by the simple things, to be comfortable in talking with someone eye to eye, to not be conscious of almost everything. I hate why people (them, actually) are very judgemental. I hate myself too, for even caring about what they might say about me.

I didn't want to laugh even when I was supposed to laugh, just because I don't like them. In the choir, the person that I dislike the most is Ate Joy. It is so irritating that I always end up doing things with her: being buddies on most houses on tour, having the same circle of friends, singing the same parts in the choir, etc. I just realized that I shouldn't be offended when someone admits that they don't like me because really, there are persons that you dislike no matter how hard they try. She always makes these medley jokes that annoys me (only when it comes from her), because whenever she makes a punchline, she looks at everyone and laughs and expects that we would laugh at her brilliant joke. It's not even funny. I mean, I sometimes laugh at how people deliver the joke but not the joke itself. But in Ate Joy's case, I don't laugh at all.

I was really not in the mood because 1) the pressure of good projection 2) my unpolished makeup face 3) my crush and his boyfriend are beside me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to add another layer of makeup to my oily skin because I knew I would just look very crinkled. I didn't want to do anything. There was nothing I could do.

My crush, on the other hand, was very active today. He kept on making good jokes (but in an annoying way) and kept on dancing funnily and kept on being gay. Sir, all throughout the rehearsal, kept on reminding us to smile exaggeratedly and move. I cannot move. If there's a word of being oppositely body smart, then that's what I would describe myself. They were 'joined forces' on reminding us those stuff as if we have no passion in singing. My crush even said "Hindi 'nyo ba gusto yung ginagawa nyo? *laughs".

I ask myself because I know he's asking me at the back of his mind. Do I like what I'm doing? Not so much, but not so little. I'm just so uninspired. I don't feel like I get what I give. I don't feel like my efforts pay off. I don't feel like a superstar. I don't feel improvements. I feel so stuck. I like it somehow but I don't like how I do it. Basically.

The intriguing part that he added was this: "Guys, Feb 14 na. Isipin nyo na lang... para ito sa mga umiibig.". When I heard it, I was 93% that he's pertaining to my feelings for him. I didn't feel anything even when he's giving 'the moves', like he was saying that if I don't like what I'm doing, I should at least do it for him. How about no? Char Crush don't use my unrequited feelings for this kind of shit

Ate Joy reacted again, striking the fact that she's single. I found it annoying because I don't really care if you're single or not. It just sounds to me that you're declaring your single-ness because it's a big deal or you're making it obvious that you are available.

But actually, I just hate her hehe.

I didn't laugh. She even held Ate Elaine's hand to mean like "sama sama tayong single". I just looked at her and looked away. My crush laughed and reenacted my reaction. That was a bit funny (haha) because I thought he wouldn't notice.

He even sat beside me while answering the survey. Like, literally beside me, with his shoulders kind of brushing against mine (taray). He wrote quite long, even when he's not obliged to because he's a performer. I looked at his paper while he was writing and I realized that he's already 24. I kind of forgot. I just knew that he's around 23-25. We have an eight-year gap.

I feel so sleepy.

That was just it.

Bottomline: I'm just full of insecurities. Chloe, someday you will be good enough, don't worry.

The main part of my voice that our conductor tells me to improve is my nasal sound. I have watched lots of sopranos in youtube for hopes that I would sound like them eventually, tried my favorite Bianca's solo lines in front of our electric fan (just to imitate the vibrating sound), tried lots of nasal warm ups, sang (sometimes annoyingly) in the bathroom - yet I still couldn't make it. Today, my classmate from history shared a story about how singers get beauty surgeries that make difference on their voice ranges. That lead me to a conclusion that (maybe) the main reason that I lack nasal sound is because I don't have a tall nose. I thought of my choir mates and they all have good noses... so maybe that is it.

I greeted morning today with a giddy feeling because he acknowledged my late design on our group chat. He even included a clapping emoticon and a heart. A heart!!! I laughed so much in the inside with bits of kilig and kayabangan because girl, I did not see that coming. My rage towards him last Sunday instantly have loosen up and was replaced with lovely butterflies. So spoiling!

I am now listening to this playlist to match my mood after finding my ideal ig feed (and girl, to be honest).  She feels so damn indie and her photos are way too perfect for me. I browsed at her feed for like half an hour and I couldn't feel sadder that I am not her. I've never felt this ordinary before. I felt the crave of studying at Manila, visiting museums and outrageous amusement parks with friends, discovering good hangout places and coffee shops and fancy restaurants, taking lots of instagram-worthy portraits, reading good books, watching theater plays, going to lots of events and experience life in a wilder way.

I am okay right now. In fact, I'm so satisfied with my performance in school because I mostly get the highest scores so far. But whenever my friends get giddy with my so called 'intelligence', I feel nothing. I don't get the good mayabang feels, I don't even enjoy it too much. The secret is that I feel like I am not really intelligent. It's just that the level of competence in my classes is low. If you put me in a bigger university with people studying in straight private schools and who are very fond of speaking in english and make bida bida's in front of a crowd, then no one would even notice that I have brains inside my skull. I get scared that I'm not struggling right now, while my former classmates who study in Manila and in good universities are shedding tears because of their packed up schedule. I'm so free. I don't even feel like I'm studying. I don't know. My school is not lacking in terms of class hours, because my professors are diligently teaching everyday. I have my Ma'am Hijara and Sir Casas (my favorite professors) who are very professional and inspiring at the same time. I know I'm feeling like this because my schedule is indeed stress-free and my subjects are only six and my school is just 10 minutes away - but I am not 100% good about it because I am not struggling. There are lots of lessons to learn when you're sweating and cursing because of traffic; when you're in the midst of freedom and certainty, when you're meeting hundreds of faces in a day, when you're hopping in and out of numerous buses and jeepneys, when you're really seeing the world as an individual.

I don't know what to do with my life, to be honest.

For one thing, I have been stressing my self with my appearance lately. I somehow got tired of dressing up because I have thought that no matter how effort-ful I dress, I wouldn't look good enough because I really don't look good enough (oh my, self esteem). I still put face powder even when I get oily easily and it only makes me feel greasier and make my eyebrows look thicker even when I'm an amateur and put lipstick even when I look overdone sometimes. I look in the mirror and feel like no make up can make me more beautiful in their eyes; like my impurities are so big that no make up is strong enough to hide it. I somehow think that make up only makes me look more mature (well I look mature already when I'm make-up free) but not wearing make up makes me look more haggard.

I. Do. Not. Know.

I can totally feel that I have lost my sense of humor somewhere, that I have to strive hard to crack a joke in a day. Maybe because I have stuck myself into my silence for quite so long and my loud self has already forgotten itself. I've been thinking that maybe I'm the only girl in the whole world who has no sense of humor. That's a little exaggerated but yes, I have thought of it several times.

My level of awkwardness is really high.

I told my closest friend in college that I get turned off by people who gets bored easily, just because I'm not the type who gets bored easily. I told her that because some people told me that they dislike intelligent people because they're boring. I'm a bit confident that they're not pertaining to me that time because, wow, that would be so rude of them to tell me that I'm boring and they're not enjoying my presence (hehe, assuming that I'm intelligent). I was awkwardly explaining to her and gave her examples like when you're with someone and you get bored of them because she can't do extravagant things with you and you'll choose someone over her. It was hard to tell her that because I might sound like someone is getting bored with me because I am indeed boring to be with and that I'm forcing her not to get bored with me because I will get turned off by her when she does that.

The fact is, I'm not going to joke around with you all the time because technically all my joking neurons are not properly working. I'm going to feed you with conversations that somehow sound boring but when you get yourself into it, you'll enjoy it. (friends, don't leave me)(hehe)

I am now very inactive at my tumblr blog.

It's the second day of February.

Honesty Hour

I just want to post my rants about facebook people who keep pretending over the internet and how this internet world becomes a competition of who's richer, more sophisticated, cooler and who's not good enough or doesn't belong in the society's standards. I don't know. I guess (and somehow know) that I should be used to it by long ago because that became normal; people won't show their nakedness especially when everyone's watching. We would want to cover ourselves with layers of thick beautiful robes until we forget who we really are underneath. It just feels so shitty that these things can fool us. Sometimes, the number of likes and comments in people's profile pictures becomes the basis of how many people actually like you in real life. You become extra conscious of what you would post because you might look over reacting, or shallow; because you would want to be seen as somebody who's nicer and wittier than you actually are. It feels exhausting, seeing people doing this and somehow seeing yourself feeling the same thing.

My midterm week is over. My classes are 'fortunately' just four days a week. I still think that among all my friends, I have the best schedule this semester. I sometimes wish that this semester will not end because there's less stress with time. I could also say that it's environmentally healthy (I mean, about the people surrounding me) because I could feel that they're put there to help me improve. I couldn't ask for more. Studying and maintaining my grades feel pretty fun compared to my high school days. I guess no one in school looks at me like I'm the lazy student who couldn't care less anymore, and it feels good. Before everyone's been describing me negatively and I unconsciously proved them correct (Maybe what people say to you can sometimes really get in to you, don't you think?). I'm just so excited and a little bit nervous to know how well did I do on my exams. I already have my score in chemistry and I got the highest!!! I hope I will nail my other exams, too.

I don't have a proper crush life as of now. But I get attracted to certain boys from time to time. It's beautiful that I get to meet different guys and, like, know them. I guess that's one of our #perks in being an irregular student. I get to know what I like in a guy and if someone is really worthy of my feelings. I haven't seen one so far, but there are boys around that I find attractive because of the small details in them.

I just realized that I haven't really opened up to people up until now. I didn't tell my friends that the main reason why I'm an Octoberian student is because I went to Europe for three months. They just knew when they added me on Facebook. It feels awkward tuloy! They don't know how to open up the topic because they think I don't want to talk about it. They also know nothing of my family, my weird self, my loud self. But I appreciate that I'm still their friend even when I seem like a big mystery to them. I guess it just takes a lot of time with me. I don't really know. As of now, all I could say is this: if you ask, you will know. It's hard to just mumble things that you're not sure they're willing to absorb.

Parallel lines

It's a bit funny that whenever Mark shows up to the choir, I'm always not around. And when I attend 1st Saturday masses, he's always absent. Someone said that maybe it's a sign that we're not really something. Even destiny doesn't give us the chance.

I like Mark, but not totally in that way. I like his presence just because I know he is something. I like that he's a up graduate and now studying medicine. I like his passion for piano. I like that he has good sense of photography and he's really good with clothes. I like his sunny personality and his God-fearing attitude. I like how polite he is and how loyal he is with his friends (and lover) and family. I like him and I like the way he thinks (well I have read his blog, that's why).

But it's not that I'd want to pursue my feels for him. Today, I realized that no matter how appealing he is to me, there's nothing I can do with my feelings. I just feel like I'll never be good enough for him.

And it's funnier that I have felt this for the past men whom I got admired to. When will I be good enough for someone?

January 11th

I feel bad because I feel like I’m always giving a bad impression to others, even when I’m not really bad in the inside.

I always say that I’m happy with my circle of friends. Although I’m still happy with them, I feel sad today because there are things that I don't think complements with me. Like I’m not loud like them. I’m not fond of green jokes. I take things seriously. I want to laugh at things and take everything so lightly but I can’t, no matter how hard I try. I always absorb everything. I complain too much. I compare too much. I miss the past. I fear the future. I fear that I might become a disappointment. I feel humorless. I can’t appreciate myself. I try to be as pretty as what everyone’s eyes want to see but I feel like one day, my appearance will become blunt and boring. I crave attention even though I’m so used to ignorance. I feel hopeless with my singing performances. I feel like I won’t ever get back my tone accuracy. I feel like my husky voice won’t ever improve. I feel like I have disappointed my trainer (and continually disappointing him and the other members). Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t deserve my efforts. I want things to be explained but I don’t want to see myself explaining because I don’t feel like they deserve it. I feel burdened with my mistakes. I feel like I have to leave the choir. But looking back at my tour pictures, I feel like it would be my biggest mistake if I quit. I can feel the people around me talking badly to each other, not letting go of their pride - which makes me think of how crappy the world is. How chaotic when you have no respect for someone’s own beliefs. How everyone thinks he’s wiser. How everyone assumes he can control other people.

I don’t feel appreciated.