Honesty Hour

I just want to post my rants about facebook people who keep pretending over the internet and how this internet world becomes a competition of who's richer, more sophisticated, cooler and who's not good enough or doesn't belong in the society's standards. I don't know. I guess (and somehow know) that I should be used to it by long ago because that became normal; people won't show their nakedness especially when everyone's watching. We would want to cover ourselves with layers of thick beautiful robes until we forget who we really are underneath. It just feels so shitty that these things can fool us. Sometimes, the number of likes and comments in people's profile pictures becomes the basis of how many people actually like you in real life. You become extra conscious of what you would post because you might look over reacting, or shallow; because you would want to be seen as somebody who's nicer and wittier than you actually are. It feels exhausting, seeing people doing this and somehow seeing yourself feeling the same thing.

My midterm week is over. My classes are 'fortunately' just four days a week. I still think that among all my friends, I have the best schedule this semester. I sometimes wish that this semester will not end because there's less stress with time. I could also say that it's environmentally healthy (I mean, about the people surrounding me) because I could feel that they're put there to help me improve. I couldn't ask for more. Studying and maintaining my grades feel pretty fun compared to my high school days. I guess no one in school looks at me like I'm the lazy student who couldn't care less anymore, and it feels good. Before everyone's been describing me negatively and I unconsciously proved them correct (Maybe what people say to you can sometimes really get in to you, don't you think?). I'm just so excited and a little bit nervous to know how well did I do on my exams. I already have my score in chemistry and I got the highest!!! I hope I will nail my other exams, too.

I don't have a proper crush life as of now. But I get attracted to certain boys from time to time. It's beautiful that I get to meet different guys and, like, know them. I guess that's one of our #perks in being an irregular student. I get to know what I like in a guy and if someone is really worthy of my feelings. I haven't seen one so far, but there are boys around that I find attractive because of the small details in them.

I just realized that I haven't really opened up to people up until now. I didn't tell my friends that the main reason why I'm an Octoberian student is because I went to Europe for three months. They just knew when they added me on Facebook. It feels awkward tuloy! They don't know how to open up the topic because they think I don't want to talk about it. They also know nothing of my family, my weird self, my loud self. But I appreciate that I'm still their friend even when I seem like a big mystery to them. I guess it just takes a lot of time with me. I don't really know. As of now, all I could say is this: if you ask, you will know. It's hard to just mumble things that you're not sure they're willing to absorb.

Parallel lines

It's a bit funny that whenever Mark shows up to the choir, I'm always not around. And when I attend 1st Saturday masses, he's always absent. Someone said that maybe it's a sign that we're not really something. Even destiny doesn't give us the chance.

I like Mark, but not totally in that way. I like his presence just because I know he is something. I like that he's a up graduate and now studying medicine. I like his passion for piano. I like that he has good sense of photography and he's really good with clothes. I like his sunny personality and his God-fearing attitude. I like how polite he is and how loyal he is with his friends (and lover) and family. I like him and I like the way he thinks (well I have read his blog, that's why).

But it's not that I'd want to pursue my feels for him. Today, I realized that no matter how appealing he is to me, there's nothing I can do with my feelings. I just feel like I'll never be good enough for him.

And it's funnier that I have felt this for the past men whom I got admired to. When will I be good enough for someone?

January 11th

I feel bad because I feel like I’m always giving a bad impression to others, even when I’m not really bad in the inside.

I always say that I’m happy with my circle of friends. Although I’m still happy with them, I feel sad today because there are things that I don't think complements with me. Like I’m not loud like them. I’m not fond of green jokes. I take things seriously. I want to laugh at things and take everything so lightly but I can’t, no matter how hard I try. I always absorb everything. I complain too much. I compare too much. I miss the past. I fear the future. I fear that I might become a disappointment. I feel humorless. I can’t appreciate myself. I try to be as pretty as what everyone’s eyes want to see but I feel like one day, my appearance will become blunt and boring. I crave attention even though I’m so used to ignorance. I feel hopeless with my singing performances. I feel like I won’t ever get back my tone accuracy. I feel like my husky voice won’t ever improve. I feel like I have disappointed my trainer (and continually disappointing him and the other members). Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t deserve my efforts. I want things to be explained but I don’t want to see myself explaining because I don’t feel like they deserve it. I feel burdened with my mistakes. I feel like I have to leave the choir. But looking back at my tour pictures, I feel like it would be my biggest mistake if I quit. I can feel the people around me talking badly to each other, not letting go of their pride - which makes me think of how crappy the world is. How chaotic when you have no respect for someone’s own beliefs. How everyone thinks he’s wiser. How everyone assumes he can control other people.

I don’t feel appreciated.