January 11th

I feel bad because I feel like I’m always giving a bad impression to others, even when I’m not really bad in the inside.

I always say that I’m happy with my circle of friends. Although I’m still happy with them, I feel sad today because there are things that I don't think complements with me. Like I’m not loud like them. I’m not fond of green jokes. I take things seriously. I want to laugh at things and take everything so lightly but I can’t, no matter how hard I try. I always absorb everything. I complain too much. I compare too much. I miss the past. I fear the future. I fear that I might become a disappointment. I feel humorless. I can’t appreciate myself. I try to be as pretty as what everyone’s eyes want to see but I feel like one day, my appearance will become blunt and boring. I crave attention even though I’m so used to ignorance. I feel hopeless with my singing performances. I feel like I won’t ever get back my tone accuracy. I feel like my husky voice won’t ever improve. I feel like I have disappointed my trainer (and continually disappointing him and the other members). Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t deserve my efforts. I want things to be explained but I don’t want to see myself explaining because I don’t feel like they deserve it. I feel burdened with my mistakes. I feel like I have to leave the choir. But looking back at my tour pictures, I feel like it would be my biggest mistake if I quit. I can feel the people around me talking badly to each other, not letting go of their pride - which makes me think of how crappy the world is. How chaotic when you have no respect for someone’s own beliefs. How everyone thinks he’s wiser. How everyone assumes he can control other people.

I don’t feel appreciated.