A post from June 2014

I want to type my feelings out but I can’t find the right words. I feel so complicated - like there’s this ocean of sadness waving inside me and at the same time, my head sings for rainbows and butterflies. I feel like I’m missing Julius a bit terribly even if I just saw him yesterday, or that I’m just sad after realizing that I’ll never be good enough for him. I’m satisfied and thankful because I get goods and very goods from Sir Tristan these days, and at least those simple things encourage me to strive harder. But I lack real friends. I feel alone and lonely. My family doesn’t even support me with my dreams. I don’t know if I could make it to the tour because there’s a lot of hindrances blurring my beautiful tomorrow. God knows how much I long for that tour and also to make it to a good college university and to have what I’ve always wanted, no matter how hard it is to achieve. I just need to trust Him and give my best, and I hope it would be enough to make my dreams come true. Since the past week, my worries keep on bugging me and my mind can’t rest from all the schedules and stuff and things that I need to do and people that I need to give time to and things I need to get for this coming school year and things that I need to be prepared to and I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or I’m just disappointing somebody or what. My earphones are broken and I got my hair done yesterday and I felt a bit embarrassed when someone notices it because I’m scared that the words ‘ew she got her hair straightened yet she still looks awful’ play on their minds like ambulance sirens. I still can’t move on from Gen’s choices of words last Wednesday and it can’t sink on my mind that she could bitch at us like that and I just wanted to punch her in the face but I can’t because she’s a friend. And I hate the way Pam tries to explain to us why she wanted to move to Garnet and I hate that the fault began to hold on to us and that line, that fucking line where she said “Oo, andon nga kayo sa ruby pero *volume fading* andon sa garnet yung bohol” and she could even laugh at that and it was really stupid of her. If you want to shave to our faces that you want your bohol friends better than us then fine move to that section we don’t even need you here ugh. And I feel so pressured with my family and their thoughts about my choir thingy and the look on their faces that could tear you to pieces in no time. And okay. I’m tired of sorting my feelings out because at the end of the day, I’d still feel sick of everything, and there’s nothing I could do about it.I need God.